Ever since middle school, growing up in Manhattan Beach California taught me "i was fat". Not that i was fat- i mean i was a cheerleader/dancer double zero... but that's just what we were as girls, fat and imperfect. All throughout 8th grade were these words of "i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat", never once actually being overweight but saying and thinking i was. This soon became part of my speech pattern and a habbit more then expression of how i actually felt. A terrible combination of this need for perfection, as we virgos want to be, and may way of "staying humble". Who could think i was conceited and too confident if i thought i was ugly and fat?
But what we say has power and soon i began to believe i was ugly and fat. Then a combination of occurrences happened my senior year of high school. Didn't get into my dream school that i had planned on going to since elementary school WHACK started taking birth control ZUMBA the "love of my life" broke up with me POW my best friend of 13+ years broke up with me SLAM and i wasn't moving to NYC but staying in Hollywood California KABOOM!!!!! Each event led me to a need to "feel better". They say eating doesn't make it better but only makes you feel worse but- as of June my 115 lb graduated high schooler self was "too active to gain weight", and i learned it DID make me feel better.
Come August i move into my new appt. to Start school in Hollywood and meet my beautiful room mate( and current best friend). We had so much in common including working out, dancing, and health. BTW, that summer i devoted to being a youth leader at my church so i was mainly focussed on everyone else and not so much my self. My room mate and i decided we should shed a few pounds since there was a gym in our appt. complex. So we went downstairs to weigh ourselves and set some goals. Drum roll please.........
I WEIGHED 148 MOTHER POOPIN POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how did i gain 33 lbs in a summer?!?!? one freaking summer?!?!?!?
Ever since then it has been my mission to get back down to my true self and release this weight. This past summer i was 4 lbs away- 119lbs in may but, honestly success scares me- the thought of actually accomplishing my goal literally frightened me to the point of no return. I remember looking at the scale and freaking out! By August i was back at 140. HNot healthy not good-so gross!! Moreover, i am a DANCER, PERFORMER, ARTIST! this isn't just an image thing- this is my career my life my temple my body!!! I need to get consistent and someone how not be afraid to succeed, realize i am worth it, and gain my self- respect back. HOw- yeah let me know!
I don't feel like myself. I feel like i'm me borrowing someone else's body. My new friends don't get it because they've only seen me this size and i'm sure think i'm ridiculous for wanting to loose weight. BUt weight is such a touchy subject that no one will come out and say "yes, we've noticed you've gained substantial weight, is everything okay how can i help" other then my family of course who are so supportive. I don't get why people lie about fat like it's some emotional thing. Fat doesn't define you, it's just a literal substance on your body that's bad for your health. So notice it on one another so we can rid of it and prevent the diseases that come along with it! I'm sure in upcoming blogs you will hear of my 1 million things about health, nutrition and exercise as well as my goals and failures. But i hope to have less weight failures.
I'm currently in a "contest" among family friends to loose weight. Each Sunday we email each other our results. The more accountability the more i'll be able to succeed. Which is why i'm including you!
Here's this past week: After a Friday & Saturday of too many carbs and too many drinks i regrettably note my weight of today as 135- UGH it hurts to type it after getting down to 132. I feel discouraged and a failure and fat and gross. But i guess i need to shake that off because those words are not true, not who i am, or who i am striving to be. Todays a new day and this week is a new week, not pre-condemned with failures but an endless amount of "weight releasing" opportunities yet to be discovered. I just need to be more on top of it this week and understand my limits a little better. I think a huge downfall in this week for me was weighing myself on wednesday and seeing i stilled weighed 132 though i had 3 days of eating so well. It sent me in a "this isn't working" downward spiral resulting in caring less and eating more. I need to accept this as a process i suppose and a process that takes time instead of expecting to loose all the weight in 2 weeks. Maybe that 1 day a week rule ____ has is a good thing, if i had continued to be aware of my limits the rest of this week i'm sure i would have seen results versus coming to a conclusion after 3 days... I guess ill try that this week.
I'm always open to hear your thoughts
One thing I've been doing is eating slower! It makes you feel full so much sooner, and it's so much better for your digestive tract. Also...PUT ON A BATHING SUIT! It will definitely give you a goal for how much you want to lose before summer.
ReplyDelete-Mary
Jillene, my love. First of all, thanks for blogging! and again thanks for inspiring me to do the same! In regards to this post "My Struggle", of course (as you would assume me to say) I think you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are. That being said, I do fully understand where you are coming from. You are totally right about how we live in a culture where we have snuggled up with the word "fat" on a daily basis as women, even if we aren't fat at all! Since this is obviously something that is frequently on your mind, I'm not going to just say 'you're beautiful as you are don't try to change' because it's your body and if you don't feel like the goddess you are then by all means, have a healthy goal and go for it and I'll be there to help.
ReplyDeleteMy tips of the day for you (and anyone else!):
-CHEW! I recently learned what a difference it makes to fully chew your food... like until your jaw hurts a little! If you chew your food in your mouth approximately 30 times b4 swallowing (depending on the food) this will aid in digestion, help you absorb all the important nutrients, and keep you feeling satisfied longer and not craving more food. So easy!
-This doesn't work for everyone, but I've found I feel my healthiest self when I don't own a scale. Although the scale can help track weight loss, it also tracks weight gain and can be very discouraging, causing a lot of bouncing back and forth. get rid of her.
-Join me at Crunch! I know you get a lot of exercise as a dancer but variety is key. We could go together for classes or hop on the StairMaster next to eachother! haha.
Lots of love,
HDC
Jillene you have a beautiful body. After high school most people gain weight and it's not always because they are careless and have a lifestyle change. It's biology. It's like a second puberty. If I were to try to get back to my original high school weight it would take A LOT of work and I would have to sacrifice having an adult body (hips, boobs, etc.) I think 140 is completely healthy as long as you're working out regularly and avoiding junk food. But I understand the pressure from the industry...I just hope you don't let it get to you too much. I know that when (if?) I become a director/casting director/producer/orwhatever I want to cast as many "real" looking people as possible and I think that's becoming more and more of a trend in hollywood. look at movies like "up in the air" (except for the main characters) or paranormal activity. things are changing.
ReplyDeletewow I just wrote a novel. love you, let's get tea soon I'm free on the weekends ALWAYS. and fridays before 2 or after 5