Well I present to you..THE BUG LADY. Which is... just ya know... me.
Upon moving to LA I needed some couches. Luckily, mother dearest had an extra set that my friends had borrowed and were now storing in their garage. PERFECTO. Couches para mi for free. I gather my boys, round em all up and take two trucks to go pick up these beautious couches.
We get them out of the garage and an ENTIRE FAMILY of BLOODY COCKROACHES FLIP ON OUT OF THE COUCHES! khkjfbkskfjbskfbkfjbkf. THE most gross. Some scatter the floor where the men are able to squash them with their chunky metro sexual leather boots while others start climbing the sides of the house like friggin squirrels. I of course take the dainty stance of screaming and jumping up on very high things like tables and chairs.
Next, after killing all dem bugs, we drive the couches back to my house. Unload them. And begin to drag them inside. I am a muscular woman yes. However, I find that picking up the many pillows would be more effective right now so I go gather those while the men are placing the couches in my living room. Guess who's with my pillows? Another F'ing cockroach friend. WHO FLYS?! WHAT THE WHAT?! Cockraoches fly? Is that a thing? It's not. There's no way that's a thing. It's a mutant cockroach. HAS TO BE, or else I'm leaving earth because we are just screwed.
Ok all the cockroaches dead, good. Now I've made new friends. Ants. Harmless litter guys but just annoying and EVERYWHERE. They crawl out of my labtop...which like-why are you in a hot piece of machinery? Why are you guys in there....that's not the kind of "bugs in my computer" I was edu-ma-cated on in Middle school? They appear in my clothes, my drawers and floors and at this point I have befriended them because it's just easier to make them my friends. #buglady
I KID YOU NOT ONE IS LITERALLY ON MY ARM RIGHT NOW? Like, how did u find my shoulder? you're an ant? and I JUST got out of the shower?!
Speaking of showers. Since I have what might quite possibly be THE tree of life in my backyard. What comes with fierce tree's? Spiders. But they decided they needed to upgrade their lives. They don't like my tree as much as my shower. Don't they know it's full of water? Haven't they heard that classic rhyme the itsy bitsy spider? Water wins EVERY TIME. Their lives are on a loop of climbing up a water spout, getting washed away, then doing it again and again and again. Get out of my shower guys? Why? Just please. None of this. I want none of this. No bugs. No ants no spiders. No roaches. NONYA.
~Apparently mixing Eucalyptus oil and tee tree oil makes spiders leave? So I might try that. I've been doing the old chalk trick for my ants, did you know ants won't cross a line of chalk? I really don't want them as my friends also...but ya know...I don't like bugs. So the spiders are still just in my bathroom because I'm too scarred to kill them. Help? Please. Ghost-busters? Do you kill daddy long legs?
xoxo
Bug Lady.
No comments:
Post a Comment