Sanity over Vanity.

I received an email from a mentor of mine from when I lived in Hollywood about weight release. She asked me how I was doing and so many friends have been asking me what's up with my weight release? Ill of course give specific workout and food diaries if that what people are interested in... but this is basically what happened...

**The Shift is a program created by RITA Black that teaches you about health and nutrition as it pertains to your own individual needs. I did this back in 2007. I was really hard core and meticulous, lost 30 lbs and gained it all back once i hit my "goal weight". Not because her program doesn't work but because i was a neurotic crazy person who had myself on such a tight leash it wasn't sustainable for having any kind of social life**

My Email Response to "MENTOR":
In terms of Shifting life has been really good. Just like how your Shift is always talking about finding what works for ourselves,  I've taken that to the point where I've truly found my own way of living that = sanity over vanity. My first go at The Shift  taught me what calories are, how many calories different foods are, what my own caloric needs are and weighing food to get visual ideas of what that looks like which was very helpful for my start. Weighing myself regularly, writing down my food etc etc were all great tools to learn from at first. However, slowly I learned for my peace of mind it wasn't something sustainable. Counting and calculating didn't give me peace but rather made me neurotic.  I soon began to see that I was defining beauty and self worth by the number on a scale and staying within my calorie limits for the day. If I went over or was under my calories or ideal weight my entire day would be ruined. I didn't want food or weight to control my mind that deeply.

This summer I got to the point where I realized I had the "technique" down. I understood nutrition, the science, what it feels like to be on track physically, what it feels like to be full, and to tame my eye so it didn't have a bigger stomach than my body. With that information I wrote mean nasty things all over my scale with a friend. Smashed it with a hammer and threw it away. I stopped writing down my food and I stopped counting calories. I simply wanted to trust that by now, five years later, I have a skill(information) that's in me and I don't need to be so precise in my calculations. Turns out all I needed was that little bit of faith and freedom to propel me forward. It was like I had been using training wheels and now I'm on a big girl bike. I gave myself nutrition goals on eating healthier, and workout goals to build my strength and endurance. I began measuring my weight with mirrors, my clothes, my health, and energy. Now it's the end of the summer-  my friends have been complimenting me on how great I look. Everyone keeps asking, "Did you loose a lot of weight? You look amazing!" I feel that I've been making healthy decisions daily and staying away from all the gak foods. But I allow myself to indulge weekly or sometimes daily if that's where I'm at. I don't restrict myself but rather pace myself. I feel great in my clothes, and have now built myself up to running 8 miles twice a week and 6 miles on my casual days! I try to breathe and pray as much as I can each day to stay connected to myself and God. I Stop before I'm full, drink plenty of water and always take the "active way" in life. I've never felt more confident in my body and loved myself more and yet I have no idea how much I weigh or how many calories I consume in a day.

The only thing I keep track of is my exercise. I bought a digifit that records my heartbeats while I'm working out so i can monitor how long, how many calories, and when I'm at my max heartbeats/minute and when I'm in the "fat burning zone" so I can make sure my workouts don't plateau. For me this is what works and what keeps me sane. Lot's of exercise, water, sleep, protein and veggies AND DESERT! Finding my beauty in something other than the scale has become a priority ( like I'm really into my hair and nails these days and they can't change weight...). For some people the scale works. For me it has too many years of bad habits and memories that it becomes a trigger for me. If the number is low I celebrate and eat. If the number is high I get depressed and eat. Never did the scale = something of consistency. So I've divorced it. And I couldn't be happier.

*side note, did i ever NEED to loose weight? Who knows. I'm a crazy performance artist as well as a dancer who has grown up in front of a mirror her whole life and twitching if i could pinch an inch anywhere on my body.When that obviously changed after high school ( cause i dunno-we grow up?) I thought I was obese, now could a size 4 ever really be obese? It's all mental people and I acknowledge Im crazy...*

In short, I feel better and i think that's showing itself outwardly. I actually don't hate myself these days and walk around feeling fat and shameful. So who knows... in reality maybe the only weight I've lost was the negative thoughts that were in my brain and somehow thats what people are seeing? I was carrying a huge load of negative thought after all...I was obese with negativity and self-loathing. A fat head. Yeup fatty thoughts head....