What if...

What if statements give more opportunity to humans following through with the question being asked. For example "what if I ate healthy today" is much more inviting then. " I HAVE to eat healthy today!" My question of the day stemmed from a lovely encounter I had yesterday.

I walked out of my appt. building on to the chilly street of Macdougal and ran into one of my best friends Elisheva. "AH! It's so good to see you!" (mind you we live in the same appt building but are just never home at the same time). She has a bouquet of dried flowers in one hand and a small pink flower in her other. " Smell this flower it smells so good". As i smelt the pink flower i was taken aback by the gorgeous perfume I inhaled. As this was happening a man in his late 30's walked past and said "how beautiful what kind of flower is that?"" I dunno" said Ellie,"I just got it for free down at the market. Do you want to smell it? " Oh, please" the man said and bent over to take a whiff of the flower. " mmm beautiful". then went about on his way. It wasn't weird, creepy, or an invasion of space AT ALL. It was simply a beautiful encounter. Since he was walking close enough to here our conversation why not be part of it? What if our world views could encounter at any given moment? Isn't this how life is meant to be? To weave in and out of peoples lives as we encounter them on a day to day basis? A simple encounter but one that allowed me to realize that the reason we have the awful feelings about strangers is because usually a stranger approaches us as either a gross guy trying to hit on us(why don't normal guys our own age hit on us..ladies? Anyone? seriously...) or it's someone asking us for money either literally with a cup or via a clipboard.

I say it's time for us to start sharing life with humans again by simply lifting each other up. Whether it's a smile, a hello, or a brief interaction with no strings attached that ends with a "have a nice day!" Let's stop walking through NYC still in our four wall appt. spaces. Let's actually WALK OUTSIDE and allow our fellow New Yorkers to affect our lives :D

I always want to be a player

I love to play, create, imagine. Apparently most people don't do this but in my spare time, when alone, I'm usually trying to make myself laugh. I do this by either making funny faces in the mirror or making funny sounds or voices that will crack me up and of course create silly dance moves that are too ridiculous i can't help but burst out into laughter while thinking "if only my friends and family could see me right now...(not that you all don't see me acting insane anyway)"

Recently in my performance Phenomenon class we began to just play with each other for about 10 minutes while the rest of the class watched. We might take on a character, play with the chalk board, create a scene, or just be silly[serious silly of course...this is class afterall]. We're in the enchanting room 001 which is just filled with creative magic. Each time i'm in that room I discover myself falling in love with a new part of it or a new person inside it. Why don't we all just play more? I'm pretty sure God wants us to laugh, giggle and be like children and children PLAY!! I"m so thankful to be a nanny because i get to play with kids every week. I found this quote in my book "The Jesus prescription for a healthy life" by Leonard Sweet- he's a super funny writer and really find the heart to what this thing called "life" could be filled with. I just had to share this section of the book that I felt like I wrote myself.

JILLENE A JOHNSON is a lifetime member in good standing in THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE PERSONS and is hereby forever entitled to:

*WALK in the rain, JUMP in mud puddles, COLLECT rainbows, SMELL flowers, BLOW bubbles, STOP along the way, BUILD sand castles, WATCH the moon and the stars come out, SAY hello to everyone

*GO barefoot, GO on adventures, SING in the shower, HAVE a merry heart, READ children's books (my favorite are Fancy Nancy and Alice in WOnderland -of course), GET silly, TAKE bubble baths, HOLD hands and hug and kiss and DANCE.

*FLY kites, LUGH & CRY for the health of it , WANDER around, FEEL scraed and sad and mad and happy, GIVE up worrying and guilt and shame, STAY innocent, SAY yes and no and the "magic words", ASK a lot of questiones, RIDE bicycles, DRAW & PAINT, SEE things differently from the way the rest of the world does, FALL down and GET back up again, TALK with animals and nature, LOOK at the sky, TRUST the universe, STAY up late, CLIMB tree's, TAKE naps, DO nothing, DAYDREAM.

*PLAY with, PLAY under the covers, LEARN new stuff, GET excited about everything, BE a clown, ENJOY having a body,LISTEN to music, FIND out how things work, MAKE up new rules, TELL stories, SAVE the world, MAKE friends with other kids on the block, DO anything else that brings more happiness to my life , CELEBRATE, RELAX, COMMUNICATE LOVE CREATE.

*ENJOY health, joy, pleasure, abundance of grace and self esteem.

* furthermore, the above member is hereby oficially authorized to frequent beaches, meadows, mountaintops, swimming pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer camps, birthday parties, circuses, cookie shops, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariams, zoos, museums, planetariums, toy stores, festivals, and other places where children of all ages come to play, and is always encouraged to remember the motto, of The Childlike Persons:

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD!!!

My favorite fruit: inspired from my Perf. Phen. solo

Ever since I was a little tiny munchkin I've LOVED STRAWBERRIES. They're absolutely the sexiest, sweetiest, cutiest desserts on the planet! Once I went to college, I began trying other fruits more often like bananas, frozen grapes, mango, blueberries etc... and began to think that strawberries weren't my favorite because they just weren't as sweet as I remembered them when i was a little girl. Why? Because they were filled with nasty preservatives and weren't organic/local/ the way God intended them to be when he created the beautiful Strawberry!! Now that i shop at whole foods (by cutting out those extra unneeded coffee's from Starbucks and doing my laundry at the Brownbag on Mercer) I have encountered the sweet Strawberry from my youth. Now it's more obvious then ever why SHE beats all other fruit from the inside out....

1. Strawberries are fierce and unafraid! Can you think of any other fruit that has the spunk to wear it's seed's on the outside of it's body? Thats because strawberry, she's got nothing to hide.

2. She's always wearing her hair sassy and down, right on top of her head, showing off her beauteous hair; she's not bald....

3. She's the best color in the world , my personal favorite, RED. Also associated with fire, love, christmas, hot, alluring, standing out, the best color lipstick, hearts, sexy girl in the red dress.... I mean she's got style!

4. She forces you to kiss her when you take a bite. How sneaky is she?! You have to hold her by her hair and take that pursed lips kiss bite~ she's just brilliant at stealing kisses.

5. She's curvy and proud of it! Whoever saw a skinny strawberry and thought, "mmmm yummm!" yeah i think not!

6. She's full of anti-oxidants which not only promotes youth (she's all about looking youthful) but gets rid of free radicals causing you're enemy... CELLULITE! yeah that's right! she's a super hero against cellulite! That in and of itself makes her any girls best friend(sorry dogs....)

7. She tastes so sweet and can be for breakfast lunch or dinner, she's so kind she has no problem hanging out with other fruits...she's just so popular cause she's such a nice girl. Fruit bowl or smoothie for breakfast-of course! Blueberries? yes. Bananas? Yes. Pineapples? Oh yes. They all love her! Lunch-she tastes delicious in salads, as a dressing, or even a strawberry tea if you're skipping lunch because you have a hot date.... And dessert? PUL-EEEEZE! Strawberries and whipp cream? Nuff-Said. Why even bother going into the beautiful strawberry cheescakes, pies, and cookies when the simplicity of strawberries and whip cream is the ultimate answer always.

I could go on and on about why I love her but she really doesn't need a blog about her, she's just fabulous on her own. But hopefully you've been enlightened about some of my personal reasons to love her!

Thank you God for a dessert way better then anything processed humans try to muster up!

xx

Pretty Little Liars

Right now I'm so into the show "Pretty Little Liars". Specifically the fashion of Aria Montgomery. Everything I've seen her in makes me melt. She has the cutest tiniest little figure, long dark brown hair and those gorgeous thick eyebrows you see those to-die-for runway models with. Her style is the style I would buy if I was able to turn my closet inside out and replace my entire wardrobe. Many people often see me in color, how about you? Honestly...I HATE wearing color. I rarely buy color for myself, but rather the gifts I receive are FULL of color splashed clothing. BLARGH. Red, white, cream, black, brown, gray, dark tones(greens navy) are the colors I want to wear all day long. However growing up in a beach town like Manhattan I am forced to wear bright colors that reflect the season. Also any commercial audition calls for "a bright colored solid shirt". I AM OVER IT!! It's about time I shop where I want to shop, dress how I want to dress and wear the dark sophisticated hues that I've been longing for since 8th grade.  

But if it's one thing Barbi(mother) taught me  that I will always abide by is never buy something trendy or overly-revealing. Always buy staples that will last forever! Good quality clothes that are timeless but chic at any time. 

For me that means: lace, baby-doll dresses (that are made well....see see ya forever 21~ its far better to save up and work hard for a real designer label then have LOTS of fake clothes/bags etc...)
A-lines, vintage jewelry,pearls, boots, skinny jeans, and dark hues. 

Modesty is never out of style. Audrey Hepburn and Rachel Bilson - beautiful modest and delicious to the eyes... So why not stay elegant? Boys undress you with their eyes enough with your clothes on...why make it any easier???

I always say the 3 B's: Boobs, Belly, Butt: Never ever ever have all 3 extenuated at the same time, and remember to the male species it's way more fun if the 3 B's are hidden, and not put out on display!! Trust me. #stayclassy 

Check Out My Other Posts:
Sanity over Vanity
My Photo Shoot
 

Current fashion icon:http://www.whowhatwear.com/website/full-article/celebrity-feature-lucy-hale/

Starbucks

I love coffee. The way it tastes. The way it makes me feel. The conversations i have while enjoying it. The holiday themes. The hours spent studying because of it. The confidence it gave my younger self by allowing me to feeling more sophisticated. The various ways it's prepared. The way it mixes with soy. The cute shops it comes in. oh i could go on and on. . .

But normally, i'm the type of girl who's searching out tiny coffee shops with cool settings and delicious coffee/ espresso so i can have an enriching Americano. I always get an Americano with steamed Soy, rice, or almond milk with cinnamon and agave. And then on days when I'm feeling lazy i treat myself to a soy late with cinnamon.

However, I'm going through a starbucks phase. SO CRAZY FOR ME!!!I got a card with money on it as a gift and once i learned i could register it, add more money on it via la inter-web-net, earn STARS THAT GIVE ME FREE THINGS, and have my drink registered to the point where ill get my specific drink free every so often, immediately enticed me!

It all Started when my friend ordered her drink at starbucks this morning. It was one of "those" orders that challenge a Barista for the better or made them hate you. Luckily my friend is so sweet and knows each employee at her stabucks by name that they all want to make her drink perfect! Her order: A venti light frapp. with 2 pumps sugar free caramel 3 pumps sugar free vanilla 4 times blended with an extra cup with the left over drink and a venti cup of hot water with a straw to warm her up after drinking a cold drink first thing in the morning! It was the girliest cutest silliest thing ever and I LOVED it! I had to take part in this girly adventure! Hence my registering my very own starbucks card. One day- I will have a gold personalized card and receiving free drinks, how exciting!!

I'm creating "The Jillene Drink" but don't know if it's right yet. I want it to be very few calories but delicious! Today I did: Venti frapp. made with water, ice, 1/4 cup soy milk, plain cinnamon, and 2 pumps of sugar free Vanilla. I want to try to stay away from the artificial sweeteners so tomorrow im going to bring two packets of stevia for them to add instead of the sugar free vanilla and add a banana... I mean this is going to be my daily breakfast.

oh! and the woman behind me asked me what my drink was after i took my first yummy sip and wrote it down word for word! haha i dunno if she's a blogger of crazy drink orders or just liked my drink idea but, i was happy to amuse someone other than myself by this crazy Manhattan Girl order of mine...

cheers to finding the Jj drink

An Epic night with Mr. Big

I hadn't seen Mr. Big in quite some time now, and secretly in my mind I think about how we're going to get married one day and live happily ever after, so when he called me up to get together I was beyond excited. ..

I was babysitting my 3 boys ages 2, 5, and 6, waiting for the time to hit 6:30 so I could start walking home to get changed. Mom's home. i smile and race out the door to speed walk my cutie-pa-tootie from chambers street to west 3rd. He calls. "Hey where you at? I was wondering If you wanted to go to a Cabaret my friends putting on tonight?" " Oh fun! what time's it at?" " It's at 7:30 but we have to be there a little before, sounds good?" "Of course! I'll meet you there!"

..... It was 6:45 and i wasn't home yet! There was baby guck in my hair, on my body, and i was sweaty and gross from the humid NYC air. I rushed in the door around 7. I threw on an outfit that put itself together, really. Cut off jean shorts, a flowy gray razor back tank that my black lacey bra straps peeked out through, black spike heels, messy pony tail, a bangle, and a navy blue ribbon around my ankle. Good. to. Go. I needed to look hotter, skinnier, and better then i did last time we were together- because that was a mess!! and a whole notha story...

Hopped on the subway listening to the Ting-Tings to get in "my zone". Up to 23rd st. and 8th ave-it was 7:15 and i needed to get to 5th ave and 22nd. Ok Jillene- this is speed walking time/jogging in heels night...GO!!

Yeup did that for about 1 avenue and then grabbed a cab for 3 bucks... whatever.

He met me at the door and gave me that special Mr. Big look that I know is saved for me alone and said simply in a 'I have a girlfriend so I can't say anything too intense kind of way'... You look good. Thanks i said as if i knew it yet was glad he mentioned it. though really in my mind i was dancing around singing: YES YES YES. i look goooooood, you want it, can't have it. whatever your loss yeah yeah yeah.(choose a melody that works in your mind).

He's already bought my ticket, of course, and we walk in to the dark room filled with tables, beautiful people, and a stage with a piano and 4 mikes. He introduces me to the people who own the thing and we continue walking to our own little black booth. As he's getting back to some quick phone calls he has to respond to I feel so lucky. Whenever I'm with Mr. Big I feel like a star. He has this way of being where though he's the Big shot he makes me feel like I'm the most amazing thing in the room. Order drinks, he 1 white chocolate martini, me 1 iced coffee-black. (Just put a cigarette in my hand and my nick-name could be NYC stereotype...) Interesting our choices, no?

The show begins and some of the girls voices are amazing! That kind of soul wailing that sinks into your soul and changes you heart. I was lost in their voices, in this moment, in NYC crazy life! Waiter comes by again, Big get's spinach dip and another white martini and i get a white chocolate martini as well, it tasted so good when I tried his!! By the time the show was over I had finished my black iced coffee...had a sip of my martini ,because i'm such a light weight, and he finished the rest. He introduced me to the performers, all such sweet woman. And i found it it was one womans bachelorette party who had been dating the guy for 12 years!!! Adelaide much?

Anywhoooo, Big hasn't seen my new appt. yet so we decide to walk there so he can see it and meet my BFF aka gf. Score jillene: 1 cofee, 2 sips of martini, Big: 2.5 martinis. The 22 blocks seemed like nothing with him for we were laughing and flirting and gigglying the whole way back. His girl friend back in LA came up in convo. I told him i wasn't dating right now because i'm kind of over the whole casual schpeel but am too young to get married so im doing my own thing right now. He said he agreed and all the work with getting to know someone, trusting them, learning about them, the whole process is so tiring that if it doens't work out between he and his girlf friend he might just be over the whole idea of marriage. UM HELLO YOUR SUPPOSE TO MARRY ME?!?!?

Anyway, we get to my appt. and gf is there! Yay Bff, i luv her! We all chit chat for a bit and I couldn't be happier for i'm with my two absolute best friends! These are the two people I feel like i can talk to about anything and everything and really KNOW me in a way no none of my friends here in NYC do. They just both love me so much and i do them. By this point i'm a little hungry...Kept a pretty clean diet this week since i was gunna see Big and now i'm ready for some food. We go to Mexican across the street.

The seats are made from an old comfy van. gf noticed the arms rests, and the tables were nice and big. We ordered Guac and drinks. Big: Mojito, Gf; frozen marg. Me: strawberries and cream! it was basically a milk shake with some vodka. But with all that dairy there was no way i was gunna get too affected.

We spent the whole time laughing and joking back and forth. Big's girlfriend came up again, she's a contortionist. well he's having fun...new subject. How much we love eachother. We sit there and talk about how much we love eachother and how beautiful each one of us are. It was beautiful and fun! Then he invites us over back to his place! It's only 11:30pm so sure! whatever i have to be up at 8am no biggie. Check comes, Gf and i find an ATM to grab some cash.

As we're walking Gf tells me how they talked a little bit about me while I was gone and how lucky he feels to still have me as a friend. That he really adores our relationship together and is so lucky to still have it. *Wings* my heart flutters. I confess to GF my thoughts about marriage. She believes he's still pretty smitten by me. My hope still prevails!

Back to the table he had already dealt with the check. Oh Mr. Big how rich i feel when i'm with you. It's like money isn't an issue ever and all the world is my cupcake. We hop in a cab. Also paid by his loveliness and get to his Chelsea Penthouse Appt.

His door man gives us a look as he walks in with two ladies in the middle of the night to go up to his place. We smile and I blatantly start talking about 3-Sumz just to make the door man uncomfortable. He is- we laugh. Great fun! Then his appt. It's colors are silver black dark brown and white. beautiful tv, electric keyboard, gorgeous mirror. A patio overlooking the empire state building and the Hudson river. And a fully stocked kitchen with wine , liquor, and tons of chocolate!

We go out on his patio. He serves us wine and drinks and starts messing with his band new grinder? I dunno something dealing with Mj. He just bought a new one and was stoked to try it out? Yeah didn't know he did drugs? BUt ok details details, right? Of course I pass and let gf and Big indulge. I sip my 1/4 glass of wine and stare over the balcony. THIS. IS MY. LIFE!. I think. HOw can life be such a dream?

There's lightening in the distance but no sounds of thunder. Only the grey pink sky lighting up every so often. We listen to music and chat and chat. Then the thunder starts and we feel the rain coming near. Its about 1 am. He puts up the umbrella over the table but, gf and i Stand out in the balcony as it starts to pour! Pour pour pour and pour!! I never do this ever! But the hot weather with the cool rain getting soaking wet and dancing on a blacny with gf was the most fun Id had in a long time! We're singing and dancing and laughing arms stretched out head dropped back up towards the sky. If this were a movie the song playing would be some crazy happy beetles song. This goes on about 30 minutes!

After we're drenched Gf goes inside to dry off and chill out and Big and I have a conversation at the Table. I call him out and ask him how can he smoke and do drugs when he has a career depending on his voice, and with all the knowledge about lung cancer, and he's so privileged what is he thinking??!!? Now something I admire about Big is that when he knows things and is genuine he can look me in the eyes for hours and state his point. But his reasoning was accompanied with wondering eyes...so all i heard was Bull S**** Bs BS the whole time. When he was done "defending his case". I said. I think you need a better answer. Not for me. But for you.

We Go inside. He lends me a T-shirt that says" There's no such thing as free pussy". Really? Really, Big? We laugh and I cuddle up on his bean bag, a little sicky from my one drink and pounds of chocolate (i choose different vices then alcohol or drugs). Gf sits on one end of the couch about 1 bowl and 2 drinks in and Big sits on the opposite side of the couch with 2 bowls 2.5 martinis, cigs, and few glasses of wine "in".

We talk a little more. Find out his Girlfriend is 17?!?! WHAT AN IDIOT?! and by that point i'm ready to sleep. it's about 2:45. I try falling asleep but can't. I felt really strange. I opened my eyes to find GF and Big Spooning as he rubs her arm affectionately. They both have significant others... I get up grab my clothes and leave with out saying a word.

Im about to leave the buidling in my razor back sopping wet tank with no bra spike heels and jean shorts and think...bad idea...Luckily Gf calls to ask to come down and talk.I say ok. she comes down with Big. I tell them both i put up with a lot of crap but cheating- no! They assure me nothing happened. It was just the booze and they're sorry. I'm too tired to really care. I love them to much to be upset. We all hug it out then leave.

HOwever, Once in the cab, gf tells me he had been trying to get on her while she was on the couch the whole time while I was sleeping. Saying things like you smell so good and just go with the flow. WHile she's pushing him off and saying dude chill out we're both taken! He'd apologize then seconds later try again. She's scarred and confused cause the is Big! My Big! Crazy mr. big deal Big. She's just Gf, what's she suppose to do or say when we're in his appt? He even at one point said to her, don't worry about it Jillene's asleep anyway...

Whoa whoa whoa- HOLD THE MOTHER-FING PHONE! That statement alone shows how he doesn't do the right thing when no one is looking, clearly knows it's wrong, and that I would be very uncomfortable. Did Big cheat ome when we were dating? So many sketchy moment sthat i'd been so forgiving about run through my head and I realize how much of a liar he is. I call him up and Freak out on him. Defending my GF because nobody treats my best friend that way. HOw dare he?!? He acts like he has no idea what im talking about and sounds liek hes about to cry. What a dick. I tell him unless he has anything to say other then I'm an Ass whole and am totally in the wrong i am so sorry, the conversation is done. Pause on the otherline... and "Bye then" I hang up. He calls back ...not answering dick hole!

Gf and I go back home and talk about it for an hour on my couch. I'm so surprised. It was like all my faith was in that last relationship. That relationship was a marker for me in life. I broke up with him AND HE DIDN'T CHEAT ON ME! EVERY BF PRIOR HAS BOTH CHEATED ON ME AND BROKE UP WITH ME. So he proved to me that my husband is out there and gave me the faith to put hope into mankind again. then he destroyed that. i felt like my whole world was turned upside down. my reality was false. who am I? What's going on?

Sobbing and sobbing the whole next day, I was so hurt. I felt he really cheated on me. It felt like we were dating. How could he do that to me, to my best friend to his silly 17 year old girlfriend back in LA?!?!? Who the hell was Mr. Big? A Big disappointment that's who.

But, i was able to see that 1. God was protecting me from falling for a guy, again, not worth my time. And two showing me that I should have faith that my perfect husband is out there not because of proff from previous Boyfriends, but because of who God is. Because he loves me and He wants me to have my perfect love. Just because Big sucks...doens't mean God does. Now God has another part of my heart i didn't know i was keeping from him. Because BIg broke that part of my heart, but God restored it with his love for me. He will never cheat on me, or hurt my friends, ever. And that's why I love him.

Oh and a few days later Another BFF tells me about a guy who's a musician, christian, saving himself for marriage, Gluten-free, 6'2, adorable, and single who we're having brunch with next week...gives me hope . com much???

A girl of many passions

Last weekend i was at a retreat where i didn't have a computer. So nice, good break from the world- but now im back to my weekend blogging!

Im noticing more and more how many passions i have in life. I often get pretty side tracked because each little thing is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!! To others, it may seem exhausting but for me each thing really is the most important thing ever...so what?

As of now the three things that im super passionate about are 1. Love in it's truest form 2. an environmental friendly world, populace, veganism and 3. weightloss for health-of course

SO...this weeks thoughts about love are from new information learned about marriage that i found so interesting. Today our generation is forward driven as far as what our careers need, and the lists we need to check off and meet all to find happiness and success and hopefully our future spouse. But something we have slowly been losing is our sense of commitment. We think if we arn't happy stop and find something that makes us happy-but is that really the richness of life? Temporary happiness?

With our perfect lives we are trying to create we look for a perfect soul mate to go with it. We have a list of 25 various necessary qualities that fit ourlives and standards regardless if they're possible to meet or not. An example given to me was with an iPod. We have our ipods ith our very own special playlist. It has our favorite songs of different genres and artist who may not really go together but we're the only ones listening to it and it makes us happy so screw what everyone else thinks. Then if we don't like a specific song anymore( even if at one point it was our absolute favorite) we can delete it or switch it. A car radio however, we don't have control of. It sits on our favorite station and sometimes it has songs we like or songs that are awful but we stick with it because it's our favorite station and we know eventually the commercials will end or the awful song will cease and then a great song will come on we love, totally making up for the rubbish we just endured. Thats what a comitted reltionship should look like...a car radio hahaha really though. That's kind of what Love is like.

Another idea i heard was not to have an ongoing list of the perfect qualities we need for the rest of our lives but a list of bad qualities we could live with for the rest of our lives. People have good days bad days and their good qualities often change depending on mood, company, circumstance, ect... However a lot of our struggles or bad qualities are the same ones we've dealt with for years. We try and try but they just want go away. So if we pick someone to marry, date, whichever only for the best qualities that override the bad ones, what happens when the good qualities change and they no longer override the bad ones. Make you wish you really would have thought if you could actually deal and except these bad qualities and they were something you could constantly forgive every day.

Forgiveness everyday is one of the huge requirements of Love and Marriage (love and marriage...la la la la). Marriage isn't meant to only exist until the other person stops making you happy. Because a lot of happiness comes form moments when we stop thinking of ourselves and do something completely selflessly. That's an opportunity we get in marriage. To finally have the ability to think of someone else's interest completely over our own. Marriage, not not for happiness but to learn how to love somebody, regardless of their flaws just as God loves us. Marriage is literally one of Jesus's parables for how God loves us. Through our gross yucky days, and our ugly mean side he loves us and blesses us just the same. A blessed holiness. Marriage should be a reflection that makes people think, " if that kind of love exist in the world, maybe there is a GOd who loves ,e". Because that's the image marriage is capable of giving. It's possible that we can't fully understand God's love for us until we get married, or even have a child, and then more over have to give that child away to their future spouse. What an amazing connection one day awaits us all!!

That got long- so as far as environment and health goes i must elaborate another time. But in short- Read "The Kind Diet" by alicia silverstein. I've read a lot of nutrition books and this one is quite a gem. I'm so passionate about it's message. Also GO Vegan!!!! ah- it's so good for you and the world ill go on and on i promise next week. Also i've been learning some BRILLIANT raw food, vegan recipes and desserts!!

Lastly, a subject that i could equally write about and teach and give testimonies about for the rest of my life...weight loss. My last entry i think i said i was at 135? well im at 129 now!! wahoo slowly but surely making progress!!!

P.s. sugar is heroine- stay away ;)

Valentines without a Valentine

So the time has come, Valentines day. A day in which many people become extremely depressed or too happy or for most people passive on the matter one way or the other. This Valentines makes up a lot of my firsts. My first Valentines in NYC for one and my first Valentines without a Valentine.

Every year since i was in Kindergarten i have had an Actual Valentine( mutual cards and love), a secret Valentine ( a letter or gift that's left anonymous) or what i call a Top Secret Valentine meaning that they're your valentine that you adore but he'll never know. I don't even have a top secret Valentine. I am simply left with me myself and I. THank GOd i have amazing friends. We had a beautiful dessert filled party with chocolate cake, puppy chow, strawberries, cream, PB cake, and lemon treats! It sure takes a lot of sugar to fill the void of an absent Valentine. ..

So let's remember From the Beg.

Kg: Alexander Patman

1st: Dane DeForest

2nd: Dane Deforest

3rd:Dane DeForest

4th: Brian Stubbs

5th: Taylor Rolfe

6th: Eric Mueller, Brent Gibeaut

7th: Brent Gibeaut, Dane DeForest(see a theme)

8th: Cash Minner/Tommy Becker

9th:Cash Minner, Johnathon Gonzales

10th: Ian Littleworth

11th:Ian Littleworth

12th: Matt Keever

fresh: "Tobin Mcguire"

soph: Michael Zobel

Junior: ____________

How strange. No crush, no heartache, no love, no secret love, no one at all. And yet, i'm not wishing i had a boyfriend but there is this deep longing for my soul mate. Yes i'm that girl who believes in soul mates. One man created perfect in my eyes and I in his. As i get older and my heart grows bigger, the void that my husband will one day fill expands twice as much. I ache yet am equally excited to meet him. It's so odd to know he's alive, breathing right now, somewhere on earth. Maybe he has a Valentine this year, or maybe he's missing me to? But there will come a time when i will be married and be able to look back and remember my first year without a Valentine and find out what my husband was doing. And ill have a permanent Valentine till death do us part. So this year can be a celebration of waiting for true love! Because next time i fall in Love i hope it's my last forever and ever.

3 for three : 3. My struggle

So my "human struggle" is, and always has been, and hopefully in the future won't be: my weight. It's my cross to bear and something i want to be open about and change.

Ever since middle school, growing up in Manhattan Beach California taught me "i was fat". Not that i was fat- i mean i was a cheerleader/dancer double zero... but that's just what we were as girls, fat and imperfect. All throughout 8th grade were these words of "i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat", never once actually being overweight but saying and thinking i was. This soon became part of my speech pattern and a habbit more then expression of how i actually felt. A terrible combination of this need for perfection, as we virgos want to be, and may way of "staying humble". Who could think i was conceited and too confident if i thought i was ugly and fat?

But what we say has power and soon i began to believe i was ugly and fat. Then a combination of occurrences happened my senior year of high school. Didn't get into my dream school that i had planned on going to since elementary school WHACK started taking birth control ZUMBA the "love of my life" broke up with me POW my best friend of 13+ years broke up with me SLAM and i wasn't moving to NYC but staying in Hollywood California KABOOM!!!!! Each event led me to a need to "feel better". They say eating doesn't make it better but only makes you feel worse but- as of June my 115 lb graduated high schooler self was "too active to gain weight", and i learned it DID make me feel better.

Come August i move into my new appt. to Start school in Hollywood and meet my beautiful room mate( and current best friend). We had so much in common including working out, dancing, and health. BTW, that summer i devoted to being a youth leader at my church so i was mainly focussed on everyone else and not so much my self. My room mate and i decided we should shed a few pounds since there was a gym in our appt. complex. So we went downstairs to weigh ourselves and set some goals. Drum roll please.........

I WEIGHED 148 MOTHER POOPIN POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how did i gain 33 lbs in a summer?!?!? one freaking summer?!?!?!?

Ever since then it has been my mission to get back down to my true self and release this weight. This past summer i was 4 lbs away- 119lbs in may but, honestly success scares me- the thought of actually accomplishing my goal literally frightened me to the point of no return. I remember looking at the scale and freaking out! By August i was back at 140. HNot healthy not good-so gross!! Moreover, i am a DANCER, PERFORMER, ARTIST! this isn't just an image thing- this is my career my life my temple my body!!! I need to get consistent and someone how not be afraid to succeed, realize i am worth it, and gain my self- respect back. HOw- yeah let me know!

I don't feel like myself. I feel like i'm me borrowing someone else's body. My new friends don't get it because they've only seen me this size and i'm sure think i'm ridiculous for wanting to loose weight. BUt weight is such a touchy subject that no one will come out and say "yes, we've noticed you've gained substantial weight, is everything okay how can i help" other then my family of course who are so supportive. I don't get why people lie about fat like it's some emotional thing. Fat doesn't define you, it's just a literal substance on your body that's bad for your health. So notice it on one another so we can rid of it and prevent the diseases that come along with it! I'm sure in upcoming blogs you will hear of my 1 million things about health, nutrition and exercise as well as my goals and failures. But i hope to have less weight failures.

I'm currently in a "contest" among family friends to loose weight. Each Sunday we email each other our results. The more accountability the more i'll be able to succeed. Which is why i'm including you!

Here's this past week: After a Friday & Saturday of too many carbs and too many drinks i regrettably note my weight of today as 135- UGH it hurts to type it after getting down to 132. I feel discouraged and a failure and fat and gross. But i guess i need to shake that off because those words are not true, not who i am, or who i am striving to be. Todays a new day and this week is a new week, not pre-condemned with failures but an endless amount of "weight releasing" opportunities yet to be discovered. I just need to be more on top of it this week and understand my limits a little better. I think a huge downfall in this week for me was weighing myself on wednesday and seeing i stilled weighed 132 though i had 3 days of eating so well. It sent me in a "this isn't working" downward spiral resulting in caring less and eating more. I need to accept this as a process i suppose and a process that takes time instead of expecting to loose all the weight in 2 weeks. Maybe that 1 day a week rule ____ has is a good thing, if i had continued to be aware of my limits the rest of this week i'm sure i would have seen results versus coming to a conclusion after 3 days... I guess ill try that this week.

I'm always open to hear your thoughts

3 for three : 2. judging

People judge one another all the time. it's everywhere around us. Whether it's the rich or the poor. Like when that girl walks by with her hair done and makeup perfect and the cutest out fit you might think, "she's so into herself". Don't know her, never spoke with her... prejudice. Or race, color, educated or not, beauty or lack of. How many people are looking for their soul mate and when someone passes by in sweats they immediately dub them as a "hellls naw"?

We judge people all the time all around us because of our awareness of our own short comings to make us feel that hint better. We all have this pride, a real part of us thinks we are ACTUALLY better then the person we are talking about. We get so caught up in our own emotional drowning trauma that we need to survive, stay alive, and we grab whatever piece of drift would, life saver, friend or stranger to keep our heads above water thinking only of our survival. Not the fact that we've now pushed the other person under water, they can't breathe as we stand on their shoulders and gasp for life.

But the fact is we are judging from a perceived reality. Example, when we look in the mirror in the morning we stand a certain ridiculous way that makes us look the best possible. Then we go out the rest of our day with that image of ourselves in our head. But in reality there will be times we sit and don't look so cute, or are distracted on the phone and slouch and puff that tummy out. Yet we are still in our mind that perfect little self we saw in the mirror that morning from that one angle. So we go and judge other people based on our own "perceived reality".

Many of us have a good heart full of all these wonderful ambitious intentions. But if there's no action to show for it- how're we different. We judge other people's actions against our intensions when in the end we're usually just as bad as they are. How many times do we do what we "intend" to do? Are insecurity, pride, and divided heart leads us to judge others non-stop.

But i'm here to stand up and say we need to strive not to Gossip about our friends or judge the people around us. Our circumstances are not our own but half the time a situation we were born into. Not because we deserved it but because that's who's tummy we were in or the family that adopted us. How do we have any right then to compare someone else's circumstances as if they hand picked their existence on their own. We should instead always look at ourselves and be simply thankful. Recognize the gifts in our lives as that: gifts and that we have zillions of dirty parts of ourselves that we may hide better then other people but don't have less then other people.

We need to understand grace and mercy and grant this to the people around us. Help others around us when they're in need and lift them up as we hope to be when we're down. Someone once said that all human action is based on a cry out for love or a service to give love. Let's recognize that in our fellow people that surround us every day and respond accordingly. Let's live a counter cultural life and lift up those around us and let someone else do the judging-plus who wants that sort of responsibility anyway?

*** based on a eagle rock bible study session.

3 for three : 1. friendship

Week 3, new life lessons learned i suppose...

Firstly FRIENDSHIP. Todays world of iPhones, texting, email, iChat, skype, ect... Leaves us in a world full of acquaintances that we call friends and best friends who are just our friends and very few, if any, deep friendships. Our society now turns to only consumer vendor relationships and calls them friendships. Friendship is not a matter of if you make me happy, if i'm getting what i need, the person will benefit my career, i have special boundaries, and a sense of ownership. If you notice this is all about "me" and if it's not about "me" then i'll leave because the person isn't "selling" what i need to "consumer" to be happy. Why do most people use a consumer/vendor relationship for friendship and what makes up a "deep" friend?

Some good qualities of a deep friendship are self-sacrifice, sympathy, absent of standards, trust, communication, honesty-not just "niceness". But the 4 "rules" of a deep friendship contain these things:

1. a covenant,promise based on love( not the love only due to emotion but the love that contains choice). not in a marriage way but in a "if we fight i know your not gunna just leave" kind of way.

2.The person has the authority to speak into your life, have the power to help you make decisions because they have your best interest in mind. They can tell you when your in the wrong and you can take them seriously regardless of your pride.

3. They see your not so pretty place. The no-makeup self, the destroyed uncleaned home, the crazy side that freaks out, the selfish side, the angry and sad side.

4. common passion- you both are sharing something that you can give and receive and have your needs met not by one another but full on your own and sharing life together

"Friendship arises when two or more discover they have in common insight or interest...That is why those pathetic people who simply 'want friends' can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth?'would be "i don't care about truth i only want you to be my friend', no real friendship can arise. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. Those who have nothing(as in nothing to give and only focused on themselves) can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers"

-C.s. Lewis

We should have a community with all sorts of people in it acquaintances, buissness reltaionships, hang-out friends, teachers, mentors' and REAL DEEP FRIENDSHIPS. Who are you surrounding yourself with?

A season of Community

My alarm clock goes off around 8a.m. This morning feels chillier then usual. I move aside my indian style silk curtain to see the weather outside when lo- and behold the fairy dust of snow is sprinkling down from the sky! I know i'm going to look silly walking down the street's because i had dance but i still get all geared up with my navy rain boots, pink sweats, grey and bergundy scarf, and forest green puffy jacket(no makeup) to meet my friend at La Pein before on 6th ave and 17th street.

As i'm walking i realize how wet i'm getting. I didn't know if it was appropriate to bring an umbrella so i didn't?I'm walking down 7th ave passing 4th street 5th street freezing my little tushi off all the way up to 16th when i realize I TOLD HIM 6TH AVE WHEN IT'S 7TH AVE!! I quickly dig in my pockets to get my phone-not there.... I sit down on some steps of a building to dig through my bag when i still can't find it! I'm acting crazed and concerned for i know it's about 9a.m. the time i should be meeting him and i can't call him! My frantic digging is interrupted by an older man asking if i needed help. In my craze i mentioned meeting a friend, not having a phone but talking super choppy because i was so focussed on what my next step would be. While this man is talking my ear off i realize im sitting on the steps of a church and this man thinks i'm crazy and homeless...HOMELESS!!! I'm trying to tell him "sir i'm not homeless just meeting a friend" he doesn't believe me- starts telling me where i can get free stuff and a free phone and blah blah blah...it's officially the worst day ever!(just goes to show NEVER to wear that silly outfit again)

I started heading back to my house on the verge of tears! My friend is waiting in the cold somewhere, i don't have my phone, i'm wet and freezing, and apparently look like some starving hanus homeless high-school drop out!!! gah!!!!!

But then i start thinking about what i learned in my choreography class, I shouldn't be so set in my opinions and assumptions- on my likes or dislikes because they block the opportunity for me to take part in the endless discoveries within another point of view. So I flip this worst day ever and think "God you can make all things good , let's make this the best day ever!"

I get home call my friend and meet up with him smoothly. We have a lovely coffee date talking back and forth easily and I feel so lifted by his presence. Then i'm off to dance where I have 2 ballet classes in a row followed by Choreo. The first begins by dancing with my oh so talented and inspiring peers ends with an enlightening discussion between my teacher and I about plans for my future. The second class begins by meeting my new teacher for the first time and ends with beautiful sweat due to my favorite ballet class i've had since i moved out here in August. I finish Choreography class feeling equally filled by the creativity and rawness that was presented in class. There's this amazing unity when you exchange energy with fellow dancers. So many discoveries made, moments to laugh, ages to cry, and endless epiphany's unfold within each class. Dance creates a strong bond between people and a large sense of community which is so needed in the lonely streets of NYC.

That was our topic in Bible study this week, Loneliness. The need for community. Every class i'm in this semester is revolving around this theme of Community. Community is so important in a persons life. THe fulfillment, richness, rawness, and playfulness of other human beings feed the soul with a food that's otherwise lost. Yes, you must be open and vulnerable in order to receive this exchange of energy and yes you can get hurt BADLEY but without community my worse day ever could have never changed into my most exciting day yet! I am thoroughly grateful for EVERY person i encountered within this day.

BaCk to tHe BiG AppLe

Wake up in the morning(feeling like p-diddy) at 6:15 am to get on a plane and fly back to New York city. My dad comes in the room to wake me up and I reluctantly roll out of bed and throw my clothes on. Too tired to really take in that i'm flying across the country , i casually say goodbye to each of my brothers and my mom. My loving father drops me off at the airport and there i am, back on my own again to be a "grownup"...whatever that means.

After dropping my luggage off, going through security, and finding my terminal i set off to get myself a magazine, tea and fruit cup, all the necessary goods for flying. A copy of "us" to be inspired to look beautiful and get thin, a copy of "health" to see actual ways on how to get beautiful and thin, and last my tea and fruit cup to put into action the idea of getting beautiful and thing-i needed distraction...

NOW BOARDING FLIGHT 1703 TO NEWWARK

I have a window seat yes! i can take my blanket, roll it up on the wall and continue sleeping! Good good. I lay my head down but 20 minutes later we start taking off in the lovely storm LA had this past week and let's just say it was a little shaky FULLY waking me from my slumber. no worries though i was able to fall back asleep! cheers!

Three hours go by and it happens...the girl, "me" at the window seat has to go to the bathroom, dreadful. i glance over my shoulder to give a "hey im sorry you're gunna have to move" face but the woman in the aisle is sleeping like a rock and the asian boy next to me is asleep as well but seems like a much lighter sleep. As i go to tap him, while sleeping, he makes three air kisses but they're in reverse. okay imagine blowing kisses to someone but the backwards way where you mouth goes into an awkward open pucker first then into a scrunchy kiss. yeah weird right? so he does that three times, as if on a beat, and then a stream literally like continually flow of spit POURS out of his mouth down his chin and down his entire sweat shirt like there was a teapot living in his mouth pouring this sticky fluid down his whole body. GROSSS!!! So. Not gunna touch him. Easy. Way to foul...

I read my magazines, eat my fruit cup, and write down my grocery list for the week on the last stretch of the flight. We land smoothly, i get off the plane, and rush to the nearest bathroom. WHeW. Get my bags and off i go through the public transportation system back to my appt. Most people would cab it but that costs $75 + while public transportation cost about $17. So i get on the airtrain take that two stops to the railway train take that 3 stops to NY PennStation get on the subway 6 more stops get off at Christopher street and walk a couple blocks to my appt. Quite an ordeal. Then, there i am at the foot of my stairs with an overstuffed backpack, purse, blanket, and 50 lb bag. That bag was going to have to stay there for a second because those 5 flights of stairs seemed pretty daunting.

Once i got up the stairs to my door our floormates friend said hello and invited me to go to their Basketball game. I actually really wanted to go, i love basketball games live. I told him maybe cause i knew i had to settle in . We said our goodbyes then i stepped into my appt. to throw down my bags and plop on my bed for a second to catch my breath before pulling my bag up all those stairs. TO my surprise the appt. was beautiful! Clean as a Whistle. My lovely room mate had not only cleaned but left my christmas present on the table for me! It was so thoughtful: Stationary because i'm always writing back home, a magnet because i wanted one, and recipe cards because I love cooking. AWWWWW! I step back into the kitchen to walk out the door and grab my bag when i hear footsteps going down the stairs and see my bag sitting so politely in my kitchen. My neighbor's friend had taken it up the stairs for me and didn't even pop in for an affirmation about it, but did it just to be sweet! So freakin' nice! I felt so blessed at that moment. God is such a charmer.

Last little bit of the night. I meet up with my friend to go to Trader Joes with her and see her appt. just to get out of the house and visit with her. It was very nice. Then i came home to rent a movie on my computer and enjoy my frozen mangoes i grabbed. I rented "The invention of Lying". It was alright. I really liked how it had almost a spiritual message by talking about "the man in the sky" but once he negates the man in the sky it's like saying to the world that the idea of God is a lie. eww...so not true. Though it also made me think that if the world didn't have white lies around people would feel a lot worse about themselves then they need to because so many people believe what man thinks instead of our loving GOd who loves us just the way we are.

The movie ends and i climb into my electric blanket heated bed (we don't have heat in our appt...yeah sore subject) and lay my head down. Then it hits me. I miss my family so much a pit enters my whole body filling it with emptiness. You know when "the love of your life" breaks up with you and you seriously feel like the world is going to end? THat's how i felt but worse because i knew they loved me back. The muscles in my face actually made a frown so strong it was uncontrollable and i burst into tears. Why am i hear? Why am i CHOOSING to be thousands of miles away from my family. Every break i have to say goodbye again and feel this way AGAIN. That's at least 4 more times. Yes i have my friends out here, a great school, plenty of distractions, but what's life without your family. What's the world like without your best friends around? My family is equally my best friends and therefore i feel a deep loss when they're not around. I began to pray through my tears, "God you're literally all i have. I don't know how to get through this i really do feel that i'm suffering. I'm having to endure patient suffering. Please Bring me Peace...i can't take this, it hurts to bad." And fell asleep.

Normally i'll wake up in the same mood i went to bed with but this morning God had answered my prayers. The day was no longer cloudy but a stream of sunlight poured into my bedroom and I felt happy, warm, and loved. Comforted by the one whole loves me. Ready for the day with a positive head.

We really do have a "Lord full of Compassion and Mercy"-James 5:11b