Today is Tech for my my first "Off-off Broadway" production as Choreographer! An Andrew Hall play Called Till Death do us Part. We had load in on St. Marks and Avenue A, just down the street from STOMP! However, we realized that the coffin lining wasn't put in yet...and there would be no time other than this tech time.
We call our set designer...no answer. SHOOT! we have to get this handled... NOW! So our Director instructs one girl to go to a store to get some white fabric. Next we need a staple gun.
"I have one" I say, " And i don't live too far away- i can be back in an hour!"
All morning- lies- for the past 2 weeks I've woken up angry at life and in a bit of a haze. I feel like I've been walking through mush because I've just been so over booked. Every second i have that awful feeling that I'm getting behind...while literally getting behind. I walk home listening to some worship music to try and keep me calm and peaceful.
I get into my apartment and find the staple gun and extra staples. I pass by my mirror ~mortified~ and conclude that this pity party i've been throwing myself has certainly showed up on my body and I need to quit this self sabotage and get in the gym. I put on my gym clothes so i can go straight there after tech. I'm out the door- headphones in- and back on my way to the theater still listening to my worship music.
Each bakery and coffee shop I pass tempts me with it's sweet aroma. NO JILLENE. Just like in any craft, it takes discipline and self-control in order to have the freedom of the product. Like learning every genre of dance my whole life has given me the freedom to now execute my own style of choreography that's creative and well thought out. In order to have enough energy and self-confidence to have the freedom to choose what I will do with my days, style and career I must say no to what would otherwise controls me.... food!
Right at 3:00pm one hour later I make it back into the theater. Our director thanks me for going all the way home, I say, "Of course! it was a success". I sit in the pitch black theater and go in my bag to grab the staple gun...only...SHIT, I forgot it?!?! I was spending all that time hating on how fat and ugly i felt that i entirely forgot the thing i went all the way back home to get!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
"Um... i don't have it".
"What....?????" he says strangely.
"I"m so sorry my head is just so all over the place that i left it on my table as i was leaving"...
ummmmm.....everyone thinks I'm insane. which well at this point- I AM!!
"I'll be riiiiiiiight back" i say.
Back out the door i walk all the way home- this time much more quickly. I grab the stapler gun and put it in my bag, and double check. Hop in a cab- and am back at the theater to finish the tech which went beautifully. The lights and the stage pictures I've created with the young girl look delicious! I'm so excited and proud of my actors.
On my walk to the gym- feeling still pretty stupid- i ask myself my check-in questions.
Have you been eating well and getting enough sleep? ....DEF not
Have you been reading your bible daily? um...my what?
Have you been working out daily? If walking to school is a work out....
Have you been doing something new/exciting/fun/social each week? Sorta...
Have you taken yourself on an artist date? I just did yesterday but before that- it had been since winter break...
THERE'S MY ANSWER TO MY CRAZINESS!!!
So i get back on the train. Following rehearsal i go to the gym, then to the grocery store to buy my groceries for the week. I go home to make a healthy dinner and do some hw and read. Life is what you make it and each person has a different recipe that makes them taste the sweetest. For now those questions are the recipe for
Jillene's Sanity. The recipe has been tweaked over the years... but usually if I start tasting bitter it's because I"m missing an ingredient. I'm stepping into a period of doing what I know works for me and makes me feel good, regardless of what society may say is good. I'm open to the yes's in the world, I 'm open to success, and I'm open to all the riches and joy God has to offer me. I'm open to peace and my dreams coming true each and every day. I'm always loving the journey; but for now I may switch my focus on the product instead... at least for a little while.
