A girl of many passions

Last weekend i was at a retreat where i didn't have a computer. So nice, good break from the world- but now im back to my weekend blogging!

Im noticing more and more how many passions i have in life. I often get pretty side tracked because each little thing is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!! To others, it may seem exhausting but for me each thing really is the most important thing ever...so what?

As of now the three things that im super passionate about are 1. Love in it's truest form 2. an environmental friendly world, populace, veganism and 3. weightloss for health-of course

SO...this weeks thoughts about love are from new information learned about marriage that i found so interesting. Today our generation is forward driven as far as what our careers need, and the lists we need to check off and meet all to find happiness and success and hopefully our future spouse. But something we have slowly been losing is our sense of commitment. We think if we arn't happy stop and find something that makes us happy-but is that really the richness of life? Temporary happiness?

With our perfect lives we are trying to create we look for a perfect soul mate to go with it. We have a list of 25 various necessary qualities that fit ourlives and standards regardless if they're possible to meet or not. An example given to me was with an iPod. We have our ipods ith our very own special playlist. It has our favorite songs of different genres and artist who may not really go together but we're the only ones listening to it and it makes us happy so screw what everyone else thinks. Then if we don't like a specific song anymore( even if at one point it was our absolute favorite) we can delete it or switch it. A car radio however, we don't have control of. It sits on our favorite station and sometimes it has songs we like or songs that are awful but we stick with it because it's our favorite station and we know eventually the commercials will end or the awful song will cease and then a great song will come on we love, totally making up for the rubbish we just endured. Thats what a comitted reltionship should look like...a car radio hahaha really though. That's kind of what Love is like.

Another idea i heard was not to have an ongoing list of the perfect qualities we need for the rest of our lives but a list of bad qualities we could live with for the rest of our lives. People have good days bad days and their good qualities often change depending on mood, company, circumstance, ect... However a lot of our struggles or bad qualities are the same ones we've dealt with for years. We try and try but they just want go away. So if we pick someone to marry, date, whichever only for the best qualities that override the bad ones, what happens when the good qualities change and they no longer override the bad ones. Make you wish you really would have thought if you could actually deal and except these bad qualities and they were something you could constantly forgive every day.

Forgiveness everyday is one of the huge requirements of Love and Marriage (love and marriage...la la la la). Marriage isn't meant to only exist until the other person stops making you happy. Because a lot of happiness comes form moments when we stop thinking of ourselves and do something completely selflessly. That's an opportunity we get in marriage. To finally have the ability to think of someone else's interest completely over our own. Marriage, not not for happiness but to learn how to love somebody, regardless of their flaws just as God loves us. Marriage is literally one of Jesus's parables for how God loves us. Through our gross yucky days, and our ugly mean side he loves us and blesses us just the same. A blessed holiness. Marriage should be a reflection that makes people think, " if that kind of love exist in the world, maybe there is a GOd who loves ,e". Because that's the image marriage is capable of giving. It's possible that we can't fully understand God's love for us until we get married, or even have a child, and then more over have to give that child away to their future spouse. What an amazing connection one day awaits us all!!

That got long- so as far as environment and health goes i must elaborate another time. But in short- Read "The Kind Diet" by alicia silverstein. I've read a lot of nutrition books and this one is quite a gem. I'm so passionate about it's message. Also GO Vegan!!!! ah- it's so good for you and the world ill go on and on i promise next week. Also i've been learning some BRILLIANT raw food, vegan recipes and desserts!!

Lastly, a subject that i could equally write about and teach and give testimonies about for the rest of my life...weight loss. My last entry i think i said i was at 135? well im at 129 now!! wahoo slowly but surely making progress!!!

P.s. sugar is heroine- stay away ;)

Valentines without a Valentine

So the time has come, Valentines day. A day in which many people become extremely depressed or too happy or for most people passive on the matter one way or the other. This Valentines makes up a lot of my firsts. My first Valentines in NYC for one and my first Valentines without a Valentine.

Every year since i was in Kindergarten i have had an Actual Valentine( mutual cards and love), a secret Valentine ( a letter or gift that's left anonymous) or what i call a Top Secret Valentine meaning that they're your valentine that you adore but he'll never know. I don't even have a top secret Valentine. I am simply left with me myself and I. THank GOd i have amazing friends. We had a beautiful dessert filled party with chocolate cake, puppy chow, strawberries, cream, PB cake, and lemon treats! It sure takes a lot of sugar to fill the void of an absent Valentine. ..

So let's remember From the Beg.

Kg: Alexander Patman

1st: Dane DeForest

2nd: Dane Deforest

3rd:Dane DeForest

4th: Brian Stubbs

5th: Taylor Rolfe

6th: Eric Mueller, Brent Gibeaut

7th: Brent Gibeaut, Dane DeForest(see a theme)

8th: Cash Minner/Tommy Becker

9th:Cash Minner, Johnathon Gonzales

10th: Ian Littleworth

11th:Ian Littleworth

12th: Matt Keever

fresh: "Tobin Mcguire"

soph: Michael Zobel

Junior: ____________

How strange. No crush, no heartache, no love, no secret love, no one at all. And yet, i'm not wishing i had a boyfriend but there is this deep longing for my soul mate. Yes i'm that girl who believes in soul mates. One man created perfect in my eyes and I in his. As i get older and my heart grows bigger, the void that my husband will one day fill expands twice as much. I ache yet am equally excited to meet him. It's so odd to know he's alive, breathing right now, somewhere on earth. Maybe he has a Valentine this year, or maybe he's missing me to? But there will come a time when i will be married and be able to look back and remember my first year without a Valentine and find out what my husband was doing. And ill have a permanent Valentine till death do us part. So this year can be a celebration of waiting for true love! Because next time i fall in Love i hope it's my last forever and ever.

3 for three : 3. My struggle

So my "human struggle" is, and always has been, and hopefully in the future won't be: my weight. It's my cross to bear and something i want to be open about and change.

Ever since middle school, growing up in Manhattan Beach California taught me "i was fat". Not that i was fat- i mean i was a cheerleader/dancer double zero... but that's just what we were as girls, fat and imperfect. All throughout 8th grade were these words of "i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat", never once actually being overweight but saying and thinking i was. This soon became part of my speech pattern and a habbit more then expression of how i actually felt. A terrible combination of this need for perfection, as we virgos want to be, and may way of "staying humble". Who could think i was conceited and too confident if i thought i was ugly and fat?

But what we say has power and soon i began to believe i was ugly and fat. Then a combination of occurrences happened my senior year of high school. Didn't get into my dream school that i had planned on going to since elementary school WHACK started taking birth control ZUMBA the "love of my life" broke up with me POW my best friend of 13+ years broke up with me SLAM and i wasn't moving to NYC but staying in Hollywood California KABOOM!!!!! Each event led me to a need to "feel better". They say eating doesn't make it better but only makes you feel worse but- as of June my 115 lb graduated high schooler self was "too active to gain weight", and i learned it DID make me feel better.

Come August i move into my new appt. to Start school in Hollywood and meet my beautiful room mate( and current best friend). We had so much in common including working out, dancing, and health. BTW, that summer i devoted to being a youth leader at my church so i was mainly focussed on everyone else and not so much my self. My room mate and i decided we should shed a few pounds since there was a gym in our appt. complex. So we went downstairs to weigh ourselves and set some goals. Drum roll please.........

I WEIGHED 148 MOTHER POOPIN POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how did i gain 33 lbs in a summer?!?!? one freaking summer?!?!?!?

Ever since then it has been my mission to get back down to my true self and release this weight. This past summer i was 4 lbs away- 119lbs in may but, honestly success scares me- the thought of actually accomplishing my goal literally frightened me to the point of no return. I remember looking at the scale and freaking out! By August i was back at 140. HNot healthy not good-so gross!! Moreover, i am a DANCER, PERFORMER, ARTIST! this isn't just an image thing- this is my career my life my temple my body!!! I need to get consistent and someone how not be afraid to succeed, realize i am worth it, and gain my self- respect back. HOw- yeah let me know!

I don't feel like myself. I feel like i'm me borrowing someone else's body. My new friends don't get it because they've only seen me this size and i'm sure think i'm ridiculous for wanting to loose weight. BUt weight is such a touchy subject that no one will come out and say "yes, we've noticed you've gained substantial weight, is everything okay how can i help" other then my family of course who are so supportive. I don't get why people lie about fat like it's some emotional thing. Fat doesn't define you, it's just a literal substance on your body that's bad for your health. So notice it on one another so we can rid of it and prevent the diseases that come along with it! I'm sure in upcoming blogs you will hear of my 1 million things about health, nutrition and exercise as well as my goals and failures. But i hope to have less weight failures.

I'm currently in a "contest" among family friends to loose weight. Each Sunday we email each other our results. The more accountability the more i'll be able to succeed. Which is why i'm including you!

Here's this past week: After a Friday & Saturday of too many carbs and too many drinks i regrettably note my weight of today as 135- UGH it hurts to type it after getting down to 132. I feel discouraged and a failure and fat and gross. But i guess i need to shake that off because those words are not true, not who i am, or who i am striving to be. Todays a new day and this week is a new week, not pre-condemned with failures but an endless amount of "weight releasing" opportunities yet to be discovered. I just need to be more on top of it this week and understand my limits a little better. I think a huge downfall in this week for me was weighing myself on wednesday and seeing i stilled weighed 132 though i had 3 days of eating so well. It sent me in a "this isn't working" downward spiral resulting in caring less and eating more. I need to accept this as a process i suppose and a process that takes time instead of expecting to loose all the weight in 2 weeks. Maybe that 1 day a week rule ____ has is a good thing, if i had continued to be aware of my limits the rest of this week i'm sure i would have seen results versus coming to a conclusion after 3 days... I guess ill try that this week.

I'm always open to hear your thoughts

3 for three : 2. judging

People judge one another all the time. it's everywhere around us. Whether it's the rich or the poor. Like when that girl walks by with her hair done and makeup perfect and the cutest out fit you might think, "she's so into herself". Don't know her, never spoke with her... prejudice. Or race, color, educated or not, beauty or lack of. How many people are looking for their soul mate and when someone passes by in sweats they immediately dub them as a "hellls naw"?

We judge people all the time all around us because of our awareness of our own short comings to make us feel that hint better. We all have this pride, a real part of us thinks we are ACTUALLY better then the person we are talking about. We get so caught up in our own emotional drowning trauma that we need to survive, stay alive, and we grab whatever piece of drift would, life saver, friend or stranger to keep our heads above water thinking only of our survival. Not the fact that we've now pushed the other person under water, they can't breathe as we stand on their shoulders and gasp for life.

But the fact is we are judging from a perceived reality. Example, when we look in the mirror in the morning we stand a certain ridiculous way that makes us look the best possible. Then we go out the rest of our day with that image of ourselves in our head. But in reality there will be times we sit and don't look so cute, or are distracted on the phone and slouch and puff that tummy out. Yet we are still in our mind that perfect little self we saw in the mirror that morning from that one angle. So we go and judge other people based on our own "perceived reality".

Many of us have a good heart full of all these wonderful ambitious intentions. But if there's no action to show for it- how're we different. We judge other people's actions against our intensions when in the end we're usually just as bad as they are. How many times do we do what we "intend" to do? Are insecurity, pride, and divided heart leads us to judge others non-stop.

But i'm here to stand up and say we need to strive not to Gossip about our friends or judge the people around us. Our circumstances are not our own but half the time a situation we were born into. Not because we deserved it but because that's who's tummy we were in or the family that adopted us. How do we have any right then to compare someone else's circumstances as if they hand picked their existence on their own. We should instead always look at ourselves and be simply thankful. Recognize the gifts in our lives as that: gifts and that we have zillions of dirty parts of ourselves that we may hide better then other people but don't have less then other people.

We need to understand grace and mercy and grant this to the people around us. Help others around us when they're in need and lift them up as we hope to be when we're down. Someone once said that all human action is based on a cry out for love or a service to give love. Let's recognize that in our fellow people that surround us every day and respond accordingly. Let's live a counter cultural life and lift up those around us and let someone else do the judging-plus who wants that sort of responsibility anyway?

*** based on a eagle rock bible study session.

3 for three : 1. friendship

Week 3, new life lessons learned i suppose...

Firstly FRIENDSHIP. Todays world of iPhones, texting, email, iChat, skype, ect... Leaves us in a world full of acquaintances that we call friends and best friends who are just our friends and very few, if any, deep friendships. Our society now turns to only consumer vendor relationships and calls them friendships. Friendship is not a matter of if you make me happy, if i'm getting what i need, the person will benefit my career, i have special boundaries, and a sense of ownership. If you notice this is all about "me" and if it's not about "me" then i'll leave because the person isn't "selling" what i need to "consumer" to be happy. Why do most people use a consumer/vendor relationship for friendship and what makes up a "deep" friend?

Some good qualities of a deep friendship are self-sacrifice, sympathy, absent of standards, trust, communication, honesty-not just "niceness". But the 4 "rules" of a deep friendship contain these things:

1. a covenant,promise based on love( not the love only due to emotion but the love that contains choice). not in a marriage way but in a "if we fight i know your not gunna just leave" kind of way.

2.The person has the authority to speak into your life, have the power to help you make decisions because they have your best interest in mind. They can tell you when your in the wrong and you can take them seriously regardless of your pride.

3. They see your not so pretty place. The no-makeup self, the destroyed uncleaned home, the crazy side that freaks out, the selfish side, the angry and sad side.

4. common passion- you both are sharing something that you can give and receive and have your needs met not by one another but full on your own and sharing life together

"Friendship arises when two or more discover they have in common insight or interest...That is why those pathetic people who simply 'want friends' can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth?'would be "i don't care about truth i only want you to be my friend', no real friendship can arise. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. Those who have nothing(as in nothing to give and only focused on themselves) can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers"

-C.s. Lewis

We should have a community with all sorts of people in it acquaintances, buissness reltaionships, hang-out friends, teachers, mentors' and REAL DEEP FRIENDSHIPS. Who are you surrounding yourself with?