Connie (True Story from Last Winter in MB CA)

Connie

[young girl runs towards the beach. 

There are seagulls pigeons and ravens. It's 
7am. Very calm; a few people are out 

walking on the strand. Girl jumps onto a 

bench overlooking the crashing waves on the 
strand, so joyful listening to music. It's cold.

She's in a light sweater while 
people around her are all bundled up.
A woman with two dogs watches the beach with her.]

Girl: (moves headphones) I'm sorry what?

Connie: Do u see what I see?

Girl; The most beautiful sight I've seen in a While?

Connie: They're out here every morning getting warm from the sun. 

Where are you from?

Girl: NYC
Connie: Yes well look up when they fly, it's a gift. There flying for you.

Presents of silver streaming across the sky for you. 

And if you look, you can see the 
seagulls and pigeons, ravens and pelicans all sitting together. 

They've come together. I'm going through a terrible divorce (starts crying) 

Girl: What happened?

Connie: (she sits down and pauses throughout 
her speech looking at the beach as if she's looking for someone)

My husband and I went to the beach up north for a vacation. It's beautiful.

You can see the sun rise and set all from one view. After about 7 days 

he said he needed some alone time. Which was fine, I thought nothing of it.

I just did my walks and strolls around town. On the 12th day he told me 

there was nothing anymore. He didn't love me. After 27 years. It was gone. 

Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive and arrogant. 

He rides by every morning- what time is it- he's late. 

Girl: Yeah riding is the best, I wish my bike was here so I didnt have to 

run. 

Connie: Well I love running. I can run 11 miles- I can teach you. 

I never sit. Only when im sleeping. After I finish what I was saying I'll 

teach you, where was I?

Girl: He bikes

Connie: He doesn't  run. He rides  every morning on his bike with his 

hands behind his back in perfect balance. But not for the past three times.

I've tripped him. That's why I'm here waiting for him to pass. 

He's a bad man. I guess you could say I'm the good witch. 

I'm a saint here to stop bad people and he's a bad one. 

That happened January 9th and 3 months later I decided to get my 
act together. [it's November and she's sitting] I wake up at 12 am 

and pray for everyone in the world. Then I go back to bed and wake up 

at 4:08. You know in between 4 and 5 to start my day. 

Have some coffee and my peace pipe. I dont 
smoke. I keep it in the fridge. And I call my man Jesse. 

He also gets rid of bad people. And I kicked him out. After 3 months. 

I told him to get out of our bed and leave and that he has 5 days. 

He took everything. Every single thing in the house. 

He's been through two divorces has three children who I supported and 
bought houses for and all he does is take. You can tell if people 

are takers if they don't look you in the eyes when they talk.
I then had Jan move in with me to help pay the rent. She and he daughter. 

But when she moved in there was this kid. Blonde hair, 15 years old. Pecks and abs 

with a white towel around his waiste. You know he thinks his shit doesn't stink. 
I could just tell he was bad news. Then after a while she couldn't pay rent. I 
lent it to her.  Then I went away for a few days- they knew I was leaving.  I 
come home and everyone scurries to their rooms. I go in the living room and my 
animals are a disaster. I have 2 parakeets. A 20lb pig named Jill. A horse. A 
goat. A rabbit and my cat Grace . The cat I didn't get though, she came to me. My 
rabbit died and as I was  burying her, a black cat ran into my legs, sat down and 
looked at me, and I said, "your amazing". Amazing grace how sweet the sound. I'm a 
saint, I need to get the bad out, that's why I'm here. So there was feces all 
over the floor, my animals all looked scrawny and the boy just looked at me and said 
"finally back huh"? And I could tell something bad was happening. He was in my 
room. When they left I called Jesse again cause I knew these were bad people and 
I needed to get them out. I went in my room and for some reason lifted my floor 
rug and there were little holes burned all on the bottom.

Girl: what?

Connie: Discreet holes all over. My lighter kept going missing. And you know he 
comes in my room at night? I know because my dogs growl and his  cologne is so 
strong.  He just walks around looking for things. But I hide my things good. He 
will never find my things in the dark at night. I went in his room and there on 
his chair was my dogs spray I haven't seen in years, my lighters, a hammer and a 
saw. And out side my door he had sawed his skateboard in half and wrote RIP on 
it. He left a tomb stone outside my door.
(phone rings)
I'm NOT gunna answer it.

Girl: Who is it? Should you?

Connie: It's my adopted sister Babbet. She's in the hospital with my dog. He's 
been projectile vomiting since 10pm last night.

Girl: we'll then maybe u should answer.

Connie: Maybe you're right. Hello? Babbet tell me everything. (She puts the 
phone on speaker) hello? Hello? (she hangs up the phone)
- My dogs dead. She killed him. She killed him. He died of bloat. She thinks she 
knows everything. She tried to put him on this new diet like she knows 
everything about nutrition. She killed him so she can deal with it. She almost 
killed her mother. 

Girl: on purpose?

Connie: I went to her house and found her Mother in bed wheezing. I told her 
mother we need to go to the hospital. After much struggle I got her there. I put 
her in a wheel chair and as the male nurse was taking his time I told him- 
she's Gunna go in cardiac arrest. They hooked her up and she had no more oxygen 
left. They didn't even know how she was still living. It was a miracle. She said 
thank you for saving my moms life, then she killed my dog. 

Girl:  Sounds like u have a real gift on your hands. Connie I'm sorry but I'm so 
cold I have to start moving.

Connie: Well here let's teach you to run. (they get up and begin to speed walk) 
First your legs are like wheels, they move from your hips and your knees- never 
your feet. Feel that?

Girl: ya

Connie: Relax your arms and let your hands slightly tap your hips. Keep your 
hands as if they're holding feathers or potato chips. Keep your chest lifted and 
breathe normally. Never look down, always keep your eyes out looking for others so 
theres no accidents. Now feel like your a cat.

Girl: So run toe to heel?

Connie: No I said be like a cat. Be like a cat running in a field. Have you seen 
a cat run? They don't touch the ground. You can talk for hours and run forever 
that way.

Girl: I believe that

Connie:  Now ready to go? 

Girl: yeah( she starts Running and her voice trails off behind her towards the woman) 

it was lovely meeting you Connie!...

Connie: I'll see you soon.

The Existence of Animals...a Short Story

Her alarm goes off at 7a.m. as it does every morning. There’s no reason, no where she needs to be. She simply decided that being a morning person means that you’re a little bit better than everyone else. You have more hours to your day, you get to mingle with the other morning people that sleeper-inners never get to see, and you’re able to accomplish tasks before people are even alive yet. She decided being a morning person was a higher ranking of humanity, a higher species in the animal kingdom. People pretend to have money by shopping at designer thrift stores, she pretends to be a morning person by having a daily alarm.
    She sits up on her air mattress, that’s significantly deflated, and stumbles across it. Each step a meticulous balancing act to not fall back into it’s abyss.  It’s size takes up most of her room, she should have bought a single- not a queen, but who’s she kidding, she didn’t even buy it. It was given to her by her parents as a house warming gift. Alarm off. Wash face. Brush teeth. Create some sort of hair style that’s polished just enough to disguise her lack of showering. She lifts her mascara brush into the air like a graceful fairy and swoops and sways her eyelashes till her eyes are the center of attention. She grabs her keys and folds her yoga mat into a perfect square instead of rolled up as it traditionally is by yoga goers. and ventures outside.
    Each morning she walks by the same newsstand where she has a five minute chat with Earl, the newsstand guy. Five minutes is just enough time to slip a newspaper under her arm discreetly under the yoga mat without Earl noticing. She begins the small talk close enough to the newsstand so that he can only stare into what he calls her root-beer eyes. Her body is hidden by the various stacks of candy, gum, and of course newspapers. She begins with the tips of her fingers inching the paper from it’s stack to her left leg. She holds the newspaper to her left thigh with her left hand, then raises her right arm so her elbow can rest on top of the newsstand with her hand under her chin as if it were a natural gesture within the conversation. Then she uses her left hand to inch the paper up her side body. Right when she’s about to drop it, she acts as if she’s adjusting her yoga mat under her arm and slips the paper into position.  She’s been doing this for six months.
     She doesn’t steal traditionally, only her morning paper. The thrill of almost getting caught is her coffee in the morning, an alarming rush to her system she has now grown addicted to. She doesn’t even practice yoga. Yet, each morning she and Earl discuss the workout she’s about to embark on. This is where humans differ from animals. They can lie, cheat, steal. She ends the conversation as she always does saying she better hurry up if she’s going to make it for the opening prayer and bids him well. Feeling the endorphins from her newspaper securely under her arm propels her to her morning ritual, the river park bench.
    She walks the fifteen minutes all the way west to her beloved bench where she can watch the runners, dog walkers, bikers, and roller-bladers wiz by. She reads her free paper, people watches, and reflects on the previous day. Only today her bench wasn’t free. Her bench was always free. But a Brazilian woman and her dog had occupied it. Her morning routine was broken. She hated confrontation, but she hated spontaneity more. The idea of talking to a stranger with a K-9 was too out of the ordinary before 10 o’clock am. The morning time was hers, sacred, undisturbed, unchanging. And now this Brazilian woman had the audacity to change that? Bitch. Within minutes she began to grow deep disdain for this woman who had no name.
    Her brain began to rattle through various things she could say to her that might remove her from the bench. That bench is mine...unreasonable.  I heard someone calling you...don’t know her name. There are no dogs allowed here...people are walking dogs before her. I will stab you if you don’t move! Perfect. That’s what she would say. She would sneak behind this woman so close to her ear, nearly frightening her half to death. Then as she’s laughing over the mistake of being startled by a beautiful young wide-eyed girl she would whisper, I’ll stab you if you don’t move off this bench, now.
    If she can steal papers daily, she could surely threaten an elderly woman to move off her sacred bench. She tip-toes over to the woman, leans behind her to her ear and whispers. The dog begins to bark, the woman doesn't hear her. She’s blind and deaf. This K-9 is her watch dog. Fuck this woman. Fuck her! She mustered up the courage to startle someone incapable of drinking in her threats. But this woman must leave. Time for plan B.

Ode to Shel Silverstein

Tickle me who? Tickle me not?
That’s what I am, I’m a tickle me twat.
I sneak to your bed, and go for kiss.
You shut your eyes, expecting pure bliss,
then I tick and I pick and I tickle your bot
since I’m  tiny and teasing, tickle me pickle me, groping and squeezing, fickle me lickle me, moist and unceasing, rickle me kickle me, squirmy and wormy and as soft as a Burmy, nickle me sickle tickle me twat.

Deer Miss Tickle Me Twat,
My mom sed that you wer atchually bed bugs, so we’re gettin a xsterminater.
Love George.

Dear George,
Your mom’s wrong.
-TT

Sanity over Vanity.

I received an email from a mentor of mine from when I lived in Hollywood about weight release. She asked me how I was doing and so many friends have been asking me what's up with my weight release? Ill of course give specific workout and food diaries if that what people are interested in... but this is basically what happened...

**The Shift is a program created by RITA Black that teaches you about health and nutrition as it pertains to your own individual needs. I did this back in 2007. I was really hard core and meticulous, lost 30 lbs and gained it all back once i hit my "goal weight". Not because her program doesn't work but because i was a neurotic crazy person who had myself on such a tight leash it wasn't sustainable for having any kind of social life**

My Email Response to "MENTOR":
In terms of Shifting life has been really good. Just like how your Shift is always talking about finding what works for ourselves,  I've taken that to the point where I've truly found my own way of living that = sanity over vanity. My first go at The Shift  taught me what calories are, how many calories different foods are, what my own caloric needs are and weighing food to get visual ideas of what that looks like which was very helpful for my start. Weighing myself regularly, writing down my food etc etc were all great tools to learn from at first. However, slowly I learned for my peace of mind it wasn't something sustainable. Counting and calculating didn't give me peace but rather made me neurotic.  I soon began to see that I was defining beauty and self worth by the number on a scale and staying within my calorie limits for the day. If I went over or was under my calories or ideal weight my entire day would be ruined. I didn't want food or weight to control my mind that deeply.

This summer I got to the point where I realized I had the "technique" down. I understood nutrition, the science, what it feels like to be on track physically, what it feels like to be full, and to tame my eye so it didn't have a bigger stomach than my body. With that information I wrote mean nasty things all over my scale with a friend. Smashed it with a hammer and threw it away. I stopped writing down my food and I stopped counting calories. I simply wanted to trust that by now, five years later, I have a skill(information) that's in me and I don't need to be so precise in my calculations. Turns out all I needed was that little bit of faith and freedom to propel me forward. It was like I had been using training wheels and now I'm on a big girl bike. I gave myself nutrition goals on eating healthier, and workout goals to build my strength and endurance. I began measuring my weight with mirrors, my clothes, my health, and energy. Now it's the end of the summer-  my friends have been complimenting me on how great I look. Everyone keeps asking, "Did you loose a lot of weight? You look amazing!" I feel that I've been making healthy decisions daily and staying away from all the gak foods. But I allow myself to indulge weekly or sometimes daily if that's where I'm at. I don't restrict myself but rather pace myself. I feel great in my clothes, and have now built myself up to running 8 miles twice a week and 6 miles on my casual days! I try to breathe and pray as much as I can each day to stay connected to myself and God. I Stop before I'm full, drink plenty of water and always take the "active way" in life. I've never felt more confident in my body and loved myself more and yet I have no idea how much I weigh or how many calories I consume in a day.

The only thing I keep track of is my exercise. I bought a digifit that records my heartbeats while I'm working out so i can monitor how long, how many calories, and when I'm at my max heartbeats/minute and when I'm in the "fat burning zone" so I can make sure my workouts don't plateau. For me this is what works and what keeps me sane. Lot's of exercise, water, sleep, protein and veggies AND DESERT! Finding my beauty in something other than the scale has become a priority ( like I'm really into my hair and nails these days and they can't change weight...). For some people the scale works. For me it has too many years of bad habits and memories that it becomes a trigger for me. If the number is low I celebrate and eat. If the number is high I get depressed and eat. Never did the scale = something of consistency. So I've divorced it. And I couldn't be happier.

*side note, did i ever NEED to loose weight? Who knows. I'm a crazy performance artist as well as a dancer who has grown up in front of a mirror her whole life and twitching if i could pinch an inch anywhere on my body.When that obviously changed after high school ( cause i dunno-we grow up?) I thought I was obese, now could a size 4 ever really be obese? It's all mental people and I acknowledge Im crazy...*

In short, I feel better and i think that's showing itself outwardly. I actually don't hate myself these days and walk around feeling fat and shameful. So who knows... in reality maybe the only weight I've lost was the negative thoughts that were in my brain and somehow thats what people are seeing? I was carrying a huge load of negative thought after all...I was obese with negativity and self-loathing. A fat head. Yeup fatty thoughts head....

Ya'll need some wedding Guest tips- from a wedding planner

Okay people. Since I've been a wedding planner's assistant for a while now and have seen a plethora of weddings, I feel the need to give some NEEDED tips when attending a wedding. I thought most people knew this stuff but apparently ya don't...so here goes- drink it up!

(these are not in an order of importance...they're all important)

1. Wear a slip girls. I don't care if you're at the gym for 4 hours everyday, wearing a skin tight dress that's clingy isn't flattering on ANYONE, and seeing your underwear line, IS NOT CUTE.
2. If your bra is showing in the back, pick a new bra- it looks tacky and your tag is usually sticking out. If it's not, it will be by the end of all the dancing. Change the bra- or don't wear one...
3. Yes bring flats, totally okay after you've been dancing all night. We've even done weddings where the bride has a basket of sandals for all the girls to put on.  But don't WEAR flats there. They never look dressy enough at a wedding, EVER. I mean you're sitting most of the night anyway, so ya rock out the heels!
4. The dress you wear, make sure you can dance in it and sit without giving a "show" to everyone there. You know those 2 things will be happening so why not test them out before hand?
5.  When choosing a dress, always go classic and simple. You want to show that you care, not that you want attention. Hate to break it to ya, but it's not about you today, no matter what you think of the bride.  Go for clean lines and classic looks versus trendy. Something flirty that shows your figure but not flaunting it. Chances are there's a lot of people here that don't know you. So that's a lot of first impressions you're going to make. If it might look casual don't wear it. Black will always dress up your look.
6. Do your hair! Yes I'm all about the all-natural look, and the beachy grungy look, but this isn't the occasion. Whether it's blown out, straightened or curled, look manicured. The first place people usually look at another person before they judge them, is their hair.  I mean how many weddings do you go to? Show some respect to the bride and all the money she spent on this party for you to be apart of, and do your friggin hair.
7. Always bring a card for the couple. Even if it has a simple message and no cash, though wedding gifts are must. Maybe write in the card your favorite memory of the two of them?
8. Yes to jewelry.  Beautiful  jewelry with a classic Audrey dress cannot be beaten. This isn't a club, it's a place to show up, practice those manners you hide in your drawer and never bring out, and be a lady. So I'm not talkin' bling, I'm talkin elegant.
9. Meet new people. Why stick with your date the whole time when you're in a room of people that you know you have something in common with: How do you know the bride and groom? Whats your favorite memory of them? Stay away from their own relationship status, weddings can be very emotional/sensitive for people and you don't wanna get on a sore spot, even if the event is about finding love.
10. Pace your drinks! Don't get past tipsy till after dinner. Yes there's usually a cocktail hour  in between the ceremony and the reception but this is used for flipping the room, not for you to get belligerent.  Yes it's free...but practice some self-control people.
11. FUCK PATTERNS! Just don't do it. There are very few people that can rock a pattern dress, it's probably not you, so don't. Plus patterns are screaming attention. Solids will be more appropriate and more flattering.
12. leave your money and wallet at home, and your self phone in your dates pocket or a small clutch you can keep with you while your dancing. Weddings=lost purses. It happens all the time. Set yourself up for success.
13. light perfume and deodorant. You are in very close quarters during the ceremony, be kind and dab on the scent, don't pour.
14. No skirts+tops unless you're over 50...done.
15. Use the bathroom before the ceremony. I promise you're not allowed to get up, even if you're going to shit your pants.
16. Try a shawl over a jacket or sweater if you're worried about your arms or the cold. They're elegant and how many times do you get to sport a shawl?
17. If you're single, wear no rings at all. Hey it's a wedding right? Great place to mingle! Don't confuse them by wearing 80 trendy rings, or a beautiful diamond on your RIGHT hand. Just have nail polish be your rings for the night...love is in the air after all right? Take a chance! don't live with "I should've..."(I totally did that the other night with this cutie guy working at the wedding venue- but I might get extreme and like get his number anyway...OWE OWE)

These are not laws....just advice. I"m sure there are 80 other tips i could give but after the wedding I was doing last night... these were at the fore front of my mind ;)

Current Fav. Celeb- 90210

Okay- let's get real here...90210. Most people look at it thinking "guilty pleasure" but every time I watch it I think UM REAL LIFE?! It's totally how I feel growing up in Manhattan Beach was. I mean, super different but not THAT different.

My favorite girl on the show is the character Annie played by Shenae Grimes, a Canadian girl who is one month and 12 days younger than I am. I am obsessed with her style on and off the show. She's like a mini Rachel Bilson when it comes to chic and fashion relevant. She has the cutest little figure, and rocks wedges harder than anyone I know.

I must confess, she and Rachel Bilson were the ones who inspired me to go ombre. I mean it's summer time? Aren't you supposed to be wearing things a little too short for comfort, wear hardly any makeup because you've got that great tan as foundation, and you get to dye your hair much blonder than necessary? That's what summer means to me... Oh yeah and adventure, but this isn't about that, this is about my current fashion icon Shanae Grimes (though her name is haneous. I'd rename myself if I were her but whatever).  I think she's gravely under-rated and needs far more recognition and attention for being so lovely. Plus her fit little body, she's like a brunette SJP.

Basically, when I'm choosing between a cup of fruit or icecream, or whether or not to go for a run or sit on facebook, I"m thinking of her cutie patooti for some fitspiration and fashion drive.

Adventures in Tulsa- Final Day

 Sunday morning we wake up at L's friends house about 10:30am. The plan was to be at our spot by 8am but on the way home last night I insisted that was a haneous idea and I would definitely kill someone if I had to get up that early. We get in gear and hop in the car. I agreed to be the DD again. I actually like being the DD because I really don't like being drunk and I'm such a light weight that even if I drink half of what my friends drink I get smashed.

We jam out to 90's music the whole way up as well as a little bit of Say Anything. The scenery was beautiful and I hardly noticed the 2 hour drive at all. We arrived to our stop to go floatin'. Beers in hand, water shoes on, and nothing but our bathing suits. We go to pay for our raft and this cute guy with this scruffy beard helped us out. He was super sarcastic and I couldn't help but flirt with the guy...I mean really it should be a crime to not engage with the opposite sex if they're flirting with you and as single as I am... (Not ashamed at all. Actually my favorite quote from 90210 yesterday was "Do you wanna be a strong woman? Or just the girl who got the guy?"... All growing up I was "the girl who got the guy". I've been LOVING my independence and freedom while in college!)

Anyway we all board this gross hot muggy school bus. The other people on the bus are very...well... Oklahoma. They're talking about marshmallow baseball and a few of them don't have teeth in places that should have teeth. My friends start drinking beer already as we drive up the mountain to eventually float back down to our cars. Once we get in our raft we start floating down. The water was so shallow though that many a time we had to get out and walk or use our oars but mostly J would get out and pull us.

There were tons and tons of people on the river, smashed out of their minds. It was like being at a frat party taking place on a river! (Well I've never been to one, but I've seen movies of them. Yes I know, I live in a whole blah blah blah). There were the "Asians" as J named them, a group of many mixes of people yes mostly asian, who had 5 rafts and SO much alcohol. They said J could be an honorary asians by taking 13 shots. crazy. They had buckets of margaritas with nozzles that they would pour into people's mouths.

Then there were the "That's awesome" guys. Where everything we said  was "awesome". Ugh I need to delete that word form my vocabulary. Then as L and M proceeded to get drunker they found some guys. M got "River Married" to one guy while L convinced all the other guys that she was British. She put on an accent that was somewhere in between Cockney, British, with some Irish vocal tones and of course slipped into her southern California accent constantly but everyone was too drunk to notice. Eventually it's me sitting in the middle of the boat while M is making out with her river husband and L is making out with J and I'm sober as Santa and wanting to kill myself. Seriously...a 5th wheel?! When is this thing over?!?!? Little did I know just how far it was from being over...
This old woman who either lost 100 pounds in a week or had a terrible lipo-suction job starts talking to M. She's in a two piece and it's terrifying. Really nice woman- trashed as hell- but her skin was sagging SO FAR DOWN she had to tuck it into her bathing suite. It seems M is trying to convince this woman she's a lesbian when she begins walking away from the boat doing her own thing. L is off somewhere on the river while J and I are in the boat. Eventually L comes back and passes the F out on the boat. We can't find M.

We stop the raft on an edge for about 15 minutes but none of us see her. So we decide to proceed to the end and meet her at the bottom. It's now been hours since we've seen M. We get to the end area and turn in our rafts and life jackets. It's 6:30pm...we started at 12:30. The group before us told L that they pulled a dead girl out of the river the other week. Now L is freaking out hoping M ins't so smahed she passed out and is floating down the river somewhere.

I point out this hottie girl we passed multiple times down the river. While I was pointing her out to L and M  I think gosh everyone on that raft is super hot, who is that floppy girl hanging on the bottom of the boat floating around? That's so embarrassing...she must be super drunk swinging around the the river like that...wait- M?!? We all start yelling her name--- but she is shit-faced! Finally the other (rather sober) hotties point us out to her. When she notices she flops into the water, bathing suite falling off, tits everywhere, and we have to drag her out of the water. She's yelling F.U. every other second. Then slurs, "don't touch me I'm fine". Immediately after this thought of hers she dives head first into the gravel, legs still straight on the floor as if she's some weird bird digging for worms. She stands back up, still yelling she's fine and F us and my sassy mouth blurts, "um...M you've got some dirt. On your face."

I couldn't handle it. Everyone is wasted...I barely know this girl and she's such a shit show and M and J are also drunk. Gimmie a person in crisis, or being bullied, or even just mad over something petty and annoying I'm totally there for them- but i have no tolerance for drunk people, I guess it's my alkalies heel.  As this is happening, Beard from earlier that day came to talk to me. We got to flirt and chat some more, there's the light in the darkness. He probably wouldn't have come up to me if I backing away from my friends. We finally get M in the car as she's sobbing about needing her River Husband. She wants to stay at the river. As we're driving she breaks out of the car and is trying to beat L. L is holding her with all her might, much more sober now, though still drunk as hell, and once they stumble out of the car, I"m so ready to hit someone that I drive away with J to a gas station to cool down. I go to grab something delicious when I remember that lady and grab a V8 instead. I'm such a bitch. oops. sorry bout' it.


L get's M back in the car. J and I wanna drug her, or hit her so she passes out but L isn't down (obvi- that was a terrible idea and simply our emotions speaking). L and M pass out while J and I listen to some chill acoustic music as the sun begins to set. After about an hour we pass a corn field. L and I need to go run in it. I pull over. And we sprint straight into the corn running faster and faster. The wind brushing my hair, the sun setting in the background and the stalks brushing my hands. I go back and forth between thinking of all the scary movies I've ever seen that trigger dead little girls popping out at me and living in the moment which was simply thrilling and beautiful. I recommend everyone in their life time run through a con field. It's exhilarating!

We drop off M. And go to a famous diner off route 66 for some french fries. We recap the whole day and are laughing hysterically, so over tired, and exhausted we can't make real sentences or act like real people. We are utterly delirious.  I haven't laughed that hard in a while. We go home- pass out and then I leave in the wee hours of the morning. Next Stop- Shelter Island, NY!!

Tulsa Adventures Day 3

While I was at the Gypsy Cafe, I saw a piano. I miss having a piano at home so I asked one of the workers if I could play.
"As long as it ain't chop steaks or no fur elise go right on ahead"....obvi....

I began to play and felt like myself even deeper. No matter how much I love the simple life, I love art more. I called my brother to talk some facts about our trip abroad. We think Venice, Florence, Rome, then train on over to Spain for a two week trip.

I left the cafe to walk around a bit, feeling ancy since L just dropped me off at the Cafe while she went to work and it had been a few hours. Feeling a little bit like a hooker in my cowboy boot, highwaisted shorts and see-through red tank tucked in, I began to walk down the Highway towards downtown. I saw in the Distance PAC, the Performing Arts Center. A friend had commented on one of my instagram photos saying she was in a show in Tulsa, so I went in to see if it was hers. I sneak into the dark theater, go down the steps making sure no one is there, or see's me. I try a few theater looking doors. Locked. Then I hear a singing voice that has to be S's voice, I know that voice anywhere!!! The last door I try. Open! Sure enough my friend is playing the lead in Gypsy and is singing on stage while the tech crew improves the cues. I quietly sit in the back and watch for about an hour. I just love theater! I sneak backstage, meet all her super nice cast-mates and then creep into the wing and wave to her as she waits for her next appearance.  Once she's off stage we embrace- both saying, "What? this is so crazy!!" L calls and says she's outside, so I run off and wish her best of luck with the show!!

J, M, and L pick me up in the black PT cruiser and we go off to lunch at Sweet Lily's for some good southern cookin'! I'd been eating nothing but healthy since I'd got there....so it was about time to actually taste some home grown life! "When in Tulsa..." So I got fried catfish, with fried okra, sweet potatoes, mac n' cheese and banana pudding. L and I split it of course (so much food) with some pink lemonade, which I swear was only sugar and water...

I asked what we were doing tonight, and they said it was a surprise. And I LOVE surprises!!!! We start driving around and then see a house for sale for 16k...WHAT?!?! We pull over to go look at it. All four of us are really into flipping houses so we we're thinking about all of us going in on it. We get to the house and it wasn't in bad shape at all. Between the four of us we could all pitch in and fix it up. But once I learned how low we could charge for rent, $800, that split 4 ways was NOT worth the work the house needed, so I opted out. Don't get me wrong I'm all about passive income, but since I wouldn't be there often enough it didn't seem worth it. My ticket there and back was $500 alone...which wouldn't even equal my share of the property. But I think they still might buy it. Property is the best money investment I think. I'd rather have my money in a house than in a bank- any day.

We leave to go to my surprise. I think J just has to drop off some papers at his work till I'm handed headphones and we walk towards the plane!!! I start FREAKING out! I'm so excited and nervous and crazy!
"Wait what? No- Seriously? Ah Guys!! NO NO NO!! This is insane! You're flying us? Can you fly us? We're gunna die!"...I proceed this screaming as I slowly begin doing downward dog to upward dog on the cement floor,in my cowboy boots and shorts, as my friend crack up at my hysteria.

He checks all the different things on his list to make sure everything is in order. We all hop in. I ask" Is there a wait limit- like is this okay for all four of us to be in this little thing"
 L says, " That's why I asked you how much you weighed"...which was such a relief cause I thought she was just judging my appearance! haha
We take off so smoothly and glide into the air. Way smoother than a commercial plane. J talks in his intercom using pilot talk (so cool) and we soar over the lake. As we fly the sun is setting. Never have a seen a sunset from a better view.  This sunset beats the one I saw from the cliffs the day prior. We soar around for about an hour and a half. It's breath taking and peaceful. My mind is clear and calm.
We land. I'm so impressed by his skills and so thankful for my friends planning such an amazing experience for me! J and M only just met me and yet are treating me with such kindness. It was crazy fun!




After this we all go to Walmart to get some water shoes and Beer for our adventure the next day. Then we go over to J's friends house for a traditional college type kick back. With burgers and hot dogs, chips and beer, then of course a blazing fire pit in the back we begin to meet about 15 new people. There was one boy I had my eye on because his eyes were GORGEOUS and he had a pretty good sense of humor. We all chat and laugh around the table till some says- let's play what was it pong, ping pong, BEER PONG that's it. Eyes was on my team and we played against J and L. Eyes and I actually made a super good team. Side note: these people sport A LOT of high fives. Seriously, i was high fiving people the whole week, and ESPECIALLY at this party...so strange. Okay anyway. We get the death cup by him first getting a ball in then as J picks up the cup to drink it I get my ball in and Instantly win!! Then the rest of the guys come inside and we play a game of flip cup, 5 on 5. And my team wins again best out of 4 (oh yes with plenty of high fives).  I may or may not have gotten a little tipsy and ended up kissing Eyes all night. Who knows. And it may or may not have been in the backyard with the beautiful fire, tree's surrounding us, and a gorgeous starlit sky... Who knows? I don't kiss and tell...

Tulsa Adventures, Day 2

Sitting in Gypsy Cafe with a soy late and Avacado salad, I begin to reflect on my second day there.

After the now morning routine of getting Lula-May then meeting L at her leasing office for coffee, she says she's going to take me to one of her favorite food spots, Lola's. It's a cute lil' place that does all it's food from a glammed out trailer. There are little round tables surrounding it. After ordering our delicious salads, an old man and his son begin to play some country music right next to us with their fine looking K9 chillin' in the sunshine.

Next we hop in the car to her favorite thrift store owned by a tiny old lady. I swear I felt like Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate in " The sweetest thing" when they go into that thrift store in the middle of no where. I find an awesome beaded belt and new maroon boots for only $20. We say our goodbyes after our conversation with her about opening our own thrift shop and head back to the office since L is now an hour and a half late haha.


J met up with me at the office so he could take me to Utica, a rich part of town. We walked around the outlets for a second (just long enough for me to get a Starbucks-duh) until we find our way into the neighborhood. The houses are gorgeous! Huge and each one unique and special. Tons of plants and flowers surrounding each little cottage.  I never tire looking at real-estate, it's just too mesmerizing. It made me think about possibly moving to Brooklyn...what?!?!? I know Jillene + Brooklyn= Impossible if you know me. However, I've learned how much space, greenery and light are to me. I thought they didn't matter but they truly take a toll on my well being. I did just sign my Lease for up until April, but I may just have to break it because I need some more room if I'm going to stay in NYC.

J and I picked up L while jamming out to one of my favorite artists, Lights, to go to the farmers market. We get some blueberries, snap peas, tomatoes, cucumbers and egg plant for dinner and snacks. J says he's going to take us to Chancelor Park. But once we get their, he has L and I drop off our car and get into his for a little adventure. We hop in the car and he goes out of the park back into the highway then all of a sudden turns INTO the forest. It's terrifyingly thrilling! Our car is bouncing back and forth all over the place as he navigates his way through the tree's and foliage. As the tree's clear there's an opening to a cliff. He get's closer and closer to the edge of the cliff till we're screaming and pulling his shoulders-STOP!!!!! We hop out of the car to see,  the most beautiful view of the city! All of the tree's and the bright sun, the open space, it's glorious. One of the moemnts you want to freeze forever.

After we got our fill, J went to Volleyball  while L and I continued to explore the forest. Again realizing the time has slipped we race back home to get ready for the "fashion show" we were invited to.  It's hard to tell when you're running late here because the sun is up at 5am and doesn't set till 9pm.  L makes some yummy chickpea spicy tacos for dinner and then we get ready.  We get to the Club this fashion show is taking place in, having no idea what to expect, and emerge into a whole new world. Everyone is artsy and beautiful. Not in an LA or NYC way- but a whole different breed of artsy beauty, a Tulsa breed. There's beautiful clock like jewelry, provocative paintings, and woman in stilettos (which isn't a regular thing here in Tulsa).

Then a curvy girl with a guitar starts jamming out and I melt. She's brilliant. A mix of Adelle and Alanis Morissette.  Her passion, soul and range is breathtaking. Her pain and grunge in her voice consumes me. I wish I was a producer so I could sign her and give her a tour. Then the fashion show starts...which is the only part of the extravaganza that's truly a joke. The clothes worse than Limited Too and the girls beautiful yet so awkward, I question if they've ever worn a pair of heels in their life. Too much to bare, so L and I step outside to get a drink and her friend "Richy Rich" shows up (at least that's what I'm gunna call him).  He's witty, outspoken, and hilarious- seems like he should be a character in Gossip Girl. We bounce on out to the bar next door. There are so many attractive straight men I'm overwhelmed! But why are they always SO BORING?! Can't a guy have brains AND a bod for a change?

Again we leave this bar and drive on downtown (I haven't had a drink and declare myself the DD). As we drive trying to figure out where to go, Richy Rich says he used to work at Mayo and can get us in. We both scream: hell yeah! We tried to get in the previous night but it was closed. Mayo is a beautiful fancy smancy rooftop bar. When we get there, it's closed-AGAIN- but Richy pulls some strings and get's us up there with free drinks. It's gorgeous with a huge neon sign saying MAYO at the top. His friend comes and sits down with us. I'm gunna call him TFB (TrustFundBaby). TFB is apparently the president of what was it...Rico? Ricard? REPUBLIC!  They distribute Absolut Vodka and other really nice liqueurs. We talk about life and traveling and get to know each other better. Richy Rich talks about his dad, recently deceased, being so wealthy that he never really had to work. He would go to Florida and spend $9,000 on drinks in 15 minutes. Money was not an object. The more both guys spoke of their money the more grossed out I was. Seriously? Could you be a bigger deuce? Money is not gunna impress me [muc-oh oh ooohhh]...I'm around money- I get it, whatever, how about being a stellar human being? I'm so ready to go when TFB invites us to his apartment (inside the hotel). Who lives inside a hotel?! I had to see it.

We enter and it is the epitomy of a bachelor pad. From the huge alcohol bar to the beercap stools seats. As they talk more and more about their various favorite designers: Gucci, Louis Vuitton,  Coach etc... I blurt
"Gee I just really love Target!"
They freeze. Until Richy Rich says-
"Wow we've been such dicks, sorry about that". I give a sharp smile.
 Richy Rich says, "you two wanna go"?
 L and I say in perfect Unison: YES.

We drop off Richy Rich. He doesn't have a car because his dad's fourth wife got all the money once his dad died in a sudden heart attack with no will. The family is currently in a lawsuit trying to get back the various assets but until then, nothing.

Once he's out of the car L and I laugh the whole ride home about how ridiculous that night was.  Another crazy and exciting day in Tulsa! What could possibly come tomorrow? I promise it's even crazier!

Tulsa Adventures, Day 1

I pack my back pack up and leave for JFK. Of course i buy the new Taylor Swift album to listen to! I"m wearing my cowboy boots and am ready to go! The butterfly won't stop as I board the airplane. I think, gosh I'm really crazy?! who buys a ticket for Tulsa in the middle of the night for fun? But it was one of the best decisions i have ever made. This trip was immensely fulfilling!

After arriving late Tuesday night and sharing delicious Italian Nachos (chips with marinara, cheese, and Alfredo) with L and her new boy we went back to her adorable apartment and I crashed.

I awoke in L's quaint and cozy room under her red Egyptian Cotton sheets. I felt so comforted by the space of the room compared to my closet of a room in the city. She had already left for work so I had the morning to mozy. I open the bathroom door to let out Lula-May, her new puppy that would not stop following L till she took her in, out to play. She is the CUTEST lil' thang!

I put Lula-May on her hot pink leash and walk over to L's leasing office for some coffee. I meet her co-worker/ new friend M and learn all about her new cleanse she's doing...it didn't seem like something that would be too effective but hey- not my body, go ahead and eat only cantaloup all day.

As each new person stepped into the leasing office I was inspired to write a play based off of them. Tulsa people are CHARACTERS! My favorite though have to be Jesse and Joe. They're the AC guys, very young. Joe is round, in his 20's with a darling mile and bashful way about him. Jesse is built, attractive, and slightly resembles Channing Tatum  gone country. They procede to tell me what "noodling" is...

I'm sorry what?
-Ya knoe-w, noodlin'!
No, I"ve never heard of that, ever.
-Well what I do is, I stick my hand in a whole in tha river until a huge catfish bites it. Then I go and wrestle it out of that whole till he's out! Look at this picture and ma scars on ma arm!
[I simply shriek]
(The catfish is HUGE- like as tall as me, it's disgusting. Regardless of this noodling, this Jesse character is Healthy Fit! [aka super fine])

We leave the leasing office to go to lunch at Elote, where they have a boxing match in the center. Very strange. We have delicious Mexican Food. After this J, L's new boy takes me to go to a museum and see the beautiful gardens in the back. It's majestic! It takes my breath away. We sit in the garden for an hour and chat. Turns out he's been flying airplanes since he was 15years old and is actually from Long Island but went to school in Oklahoma.  The more he speaks the more his high intelligence is revealed. Very, very smart guy.  He's calm and collected yet very positive. He's easy to be around and great to talk with.  The more we spoke of traveling the more I realized how much of the world I haven't seen and need to see! My brothers and I are planning now to go to Spain and Italy in September. I've just got to see the world! If I'm already obsessed with Oklahoma, what more is out there?!

We pick up L and rent some bikes to go biking down the river. It's hot and sticky, but the breeze from the bike's keep me going. The tree's and water and fresh air are delicious. 

After this we go to an adorable coffee shop called Shades of Brown where I get a dirty chai.  The art was awesome and the whole feel of the place very artsy. We realize the time then race home to get changed.

We arrive in downtown Tulsa to a bar called Crystal Pistol. They have Hard Cider (I can actually drink this because it's gluten free...) and we go out side in the back to see J's friends band play. They're so fun!! They're like a mix of Ben Folds and Relient K. L and I are making ourselves have so much fun, dancing and singing along. Every one else is staring at us and the band staying seated or with their arms crossed. But you only live once, right? LIVE LIFE UP! The next boy comes on, very timid but funny. Sounds like JT and plays like John Mayor. We stay for his set because it was nice easy listening.


 Then L and I hear music coming from the bar next door. A Psyschobilly/ Ska Band with a huge punk following. We stand out a lot but race in to the bar to start dancing with everyone for their last two songs.  L is pretty drunk as we walk back with J to the car. We walk through the Hyatt where she drunkenly steals a red velvet pillow of theirs and it's just too funny to stop her. We get back to the apartment, and crash.

Such a fun filled day, meeting new people, listening to awesome music- how could anyone say this place was boring? Any place can be full of life and adventure...life is what you make it!
(Scroll down for a clip of the Tulsa Band we heard!!)

Impulsive~ Spontaneous~ Serendipity

3am Sunday morning...or in my head Saturday night and I was feeling SO stir crazy! I wanted to jump on a cruise to the Bahamas or a fly to Florida or dine in Cabo San Lucas. SOMETHING NEEDED TO HAPPEN!
But very often I get over excited for what's coming up in the future...Like I eat all my Valentines day Candy a WEEK before and then starve myself on Vday...or Easter I start craving those yummy cream filled eggs days before and then eat salad all day on Easter. So since I'm going to be in the Hamptons for two months I thought okay Jillene, this is one of those moments of anticipating the beach you will be at, where do you really wanna go? I've been so interested in the South and the Mid-West lately because I've just never been before. I've also been watching a lot of GCB, The Hart of Dixie and listening to far to much of Taylor Swift, Zac Brown Band, and Love & Theft. But If there's one thing I just know HAS to be true is that the mid-west can't be anything like LA or NYC so i wanna check it out! Consequently, I bought a ticket to Tulsa Oklahoma!
I have a friend who's randomly there for the next month or longer, so obvi this is a GREAT idea!!! I called my friend who is now ecstatic over this adventure we will have and on the weekend we're going to drive down to Austin for the night which I hear is a GREAT time.

Yes, the next day all my friends responded something like: you did what? a ticket to where? WHO ARE YOU?!
Still, I am just all about it.
Now the crazy part- I go to work a beautiful wedding on the upper west side for a pretty young couple for an NYC wedding. I'm with all the grooms men, as usual, who are remarkably around my age trying to make them feel comfortable while still staying on the timeline for my boss.
I ask, "so where is everyone from"?
Yeup. You guessed it. TULSA OKLAHOMA!!

what?

My friend who's there doesn't know ANYONE, we needed to have some friends to show us around and "by chance" that same day I meet a bunch of people from Tulsa...too weird.
The guys are so nice...one guy particularly... and by the end of the night, this one particular guy and I exchanged phone numbers.
Super chill, kind guy, we hang out the next night and chat and have one of those only in NYC moments. A drink at The Room (Sullivan and Houston I highly recommend it),  then to Washington square park to well...we actually ended up physically going in the fountain (which I had never done before) at 12am. It was really fun! Only the side fountains were on so we could walk in it and not get drenched.
And- unlike tacky NYC/LA guys, he didn't even try "anything" (in that polite human being kind of way). I was quite impressed. Looks like all hope for men is not lost. There are a few "gentlemen" still around... but apparently in Tulsa... who knew? 
In Two weeks I will be venturing there on a flight by myself to this foreign land. Who knows what excitement awaits me! But If one thing is clear, nothing happens by coincidence and I'm taking this as a sign from God for a really really fun trip ahead :)

I implore everyone to do these things this summer:
1.Quit your job
2.Buy a Ticket
3.Get a Tan
4.Fall in love
5.Do something extravagant
6.and find an adventure!!

I've got 1,2,3 and 6 down right now... but the summer is still young...who knows what awaits me?

GraDuated; I'm an ADULT.

It's the little things in life that make us feel like we "have it together". I just finished my Senior Thesis and therefore am officially done with my undergrad. Why do I feel like an adult now? Because I have a really kewl new slap on watch from Henri Bendel, I have contacts (should've gotten those YEARS ago...), I got the new iphone4S with my own moneyz, and a working laptop. Never have I been so current! And to top it all off, I submitted to my first choreography job as well as booked my first event!!
For those of you who don't know I'm starting two companies, a dance company called, PostCabaret and an event planning company with a friend called Invent Events! Life is full of possibilities and opportunities, and I know life will have hard moments but I will not give up- for beginning is always the hardest part.
Next stop Graduation!!

Carb Substitutes

Some great Substituting ideas!!! 

Hash Browns
Substitute: Squash for potatoes

Summer squash (the football-shaped yellow kind) tastes similar to potatoes when cooked—but has just a fraction of the carbs. Grate the squash, mix in an egg as binder, make patties, and fry them in olive oil, says Mary Dan Eades, M.D., coauthor of The Low-Carb Comfort Food Cookbook.

Carbs Eliminated: About 15 grams (g) per hash-brown patty

The Taste: "Not as firm and crispy as regular hash browns, but the potato flavor is there."
Mash Potatoes


Substitute: Cauliflower for potatoes

One of Dr. Agatston's favorites: Steam some fresh or frozen cauliflower in the microwave. Then spray the cauliflower with butter substitute, add a little nonfat half-and-half substitute, and puree in a food processor or blender. "Salt and pepper to taste and you've got something that quite honestly can compete with the real thing any day," says Dr. Agatston. To make it even better, try adding roasted garlic, cheese, or sour cream to the mixture.

Carbs Eliminated: 30 g per cup

The Taste: "After a couple of bites, you forget it's not potatoes."
Lasagna


Substitute: Zucchini slices for noodles

Slice four to five medium-size zukes lengthwise into three-quarter-inch-thick strips, instructs Lise Battaglia, a New Jersey chef whose past clients include Jon Bon Jovi. Sprinkle Italian seasoning on the strips, place them in a single layer on a nonstick cookie sheet, and bake at 425 degrees F for 20 minutes. You want them firm, not crisp. "Then simply make the lasagna as you normally would, replacing lasagna noodles with the baked zucchini," she says.

Carbs Eliminated: 36 g per serving

The Taste: "Delicious. The zucchini provides texture that you don't get from noodles alone."
Spaghetti


Substitute: Spaghetti squash for spaghetti

A cooked spaghetti squash is like Mother Nature's automatic spaghetti maker—the flesh becomes noodlelike strands. "All you have to do is cut the squash in half and remove the seeds. Then place each half—cut side down—on a plate with a quarter cup of water," says Elizabeth Perreault, a chef at Colorado's Culinary School of the Rockies. Nuke the squash for 10 minutes or until it's soft to the touch. Let it cool, then scrape out the "spaghetti" strands and top with pasta sauce and cheese.

Carbs Eliminated: 30 g per cup

The Taste: "Great. Spaghetti squash has exactly the same consistency as real pasta."

Pancakes


Substitute: Oatmeal and cottage cheese for pancake mix

Here's a can't-fail recipe from The South Beach Diet. Mix together half a cup of old-fashioned oatmeal, a quarter cup of low-fat cottage cheese, two eggs, and a dash each of vanilla extract, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Process in a blender until smooth. Cook the mixture like a regular pancake.

Carbs Eliminated: 45 g per pancake

The Taste: "With syrup, you could never tell the difference."

Scalloped Potatoes


Substitute: Tempeh for potatoes

You may think you don't like soy-based foods, but that could be because you don't cook them right, says Beckette Williams, R.D., a San Diego-based personal chef. "Tempeh can be really bland, but if you jazz it up with herbs and spices, it's a great substitute for potatoes." Her recommendation: Saute a couple of cups of thinly diced tempeh with garlic and onions. Then pour a cheese sauce (sharper is better) over the tempeh cubes and bake for half an hour.

Carbs Eliminated: 11 g per cup

The Taste: "Just like a slightly nutty baked potato."

Macaroni and Cheese


Substitute: Diced vegetables for macaroni

Even instant mac and cheese can go lower-carb; use only half the pasta in the box and bulk it up with a couple of cups of frozen mixed vegetables, says Sandra Woodruff, R.D., coauthor of The Good Carb Cookbook.

Carbs Eliminated: 13 g per cup

The Taste: "I hate broccoli, but I wouldn't mind eating this."

Pasta Salad


Substitute: Mixed vegetables or black beans for half the pasta

Same idea as the mac and cheese, but try black beans, diced tomatoes, and chunks of ham, tuna, chicken, or hard-boiled eggs, suggests Richard Ruben, an instructor at the Institute of Culinary Education in New York City. "These kinds of salads are a blank slate, so you can top them with anything from a creamy blue-cheese dressing to vinaigrette, or even lime juice and slices of avocado," Ruben says.

Carbs Eliminated: 10 g per cup

The Taste: "Awesome. I don't miss the extra pasta at all."
Cheese-Flavored Chips


Substitute: Low-fat string cheese for chips

Just crazy enough to work: Cut sticks of string cheese into quarter-inch-thick slices and scatter the rounds on a cookie sheet coated with nonstick spray, leaving them an inch or two apart. Bake at 375 F for 4 to 5 minutes or until the cheese melts and turns golden brown. Let them cool, then peel the chips off the tray.

Carbs Eliminated: Up to 90 g per serving

The Taste: "Like the cheese you pull off the top of a pizza."
Pizza


Substitute: Portobello mushrooms for pizza crust

Cut the gills out of the inside of the mushroom, says Ruben, "then place the mushroom on an oiled cookie sheet and bake for 5 to 10 minutes so it dries out slightly." Add tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni or other toppings and broil until the cheese begins to melt.

Carbs Eliminated: About 20 g per slice

The Taste: "Like pizza, but moister. Give me a fork!"
Beef-a-Roni


Substitute: Eggplant for pasta

Mixing diced eggplant with ground beef is healthier and more highbrow than this old skillet special—call it moussaka American style. You have to soften the eggplant first, says Williams. Cut it in half, brush it with olive oil, and then broil for 10 to 20 minutes. "Let it cool, dice it up, and mix with hamburger, tomato sauce, and spices," she says.

Carbs Eliminated: 26 g per cup

The Taste: "Exactly like Hamburger Helper, in a good way."
Sandwiches


Substitute: Napa or Chinese cabbage for bread

Slap your turkey and Swiss onto a leaf of cabbage and roll it up. "I've made some great-tasting BLTs using cabbage instead of bread," Battaglia says. Dip the roll in low-fat mayonnaise or mustard.

Carbs Eliminated: 29 g per sandwich

The Taste: "Better than eating plain cold cuts."