You have 1 hour.

You wake up one morning and find that you aren’t in your bed; you aren’t even in your room. You’re in the middle of a giant maze. A sign is hanging from the ivy: “You have one hour. Don’t touch the walls.” You hear a beep that comes from the stopwatch on your wrist and it begins to countdown from 60 minutes. You pause. Is this a dream? Is this real? How did I even get here? You start moving forward surrounded by the dark leafy bushes creating your walls. "Why can't I touch the walls? Why is that the only rule?"
As you continue moving forward panic starts to set in. You have no idea how long this maze will go on for. Should you be running? Is anyone else in this maze with you? You begin to pick up your pace, coming to a light jog, kicking the dirt beneath your feet. The broken record continues to play in your mind "I have no idea where I'm going, I have no idea where I will end up, why can't I touch these walls?"
At this point whether or not this is a dream or reality is irrelevant. Because the only true home you have is your mind, and your mind is in this maze. So this maze is where you will remain for the next 50 minutes.
You notice you've never come to a fork in the road. The path just continues twisting and weaving but with no options other than to follow the path before you. "Should I run quicker? Where am I going?"
As you run you begin to notice the bushes ahead have tiny golden flowers blooming. The maze is transforming and the ground is covered in a shiny silver green moss. The bushes begin to grow taller around you which forces you to look up. The sky is filled with the most beautiful colors you have ever seen. It seems that every possible weather option is taking place simultaneously.
The sun is shining bright, but inside the sun you see a sunset. Next to the sun it is raining and storming but the winds beneath the storm keep the rain from falling to the earth. There's a tornado in the sky but it's full of stars and colors. The colors whip and fly out of the tornado and splatter the white fluffy clouds. As the rain blows from the winds onto the clouds they become white again and the color evaporates in mid air. This sight feels familiar though you've never seen anything like it before. It feels like how the sky was always meant to look, it feels nostalgic; like it's what you've been searching for your whole life! And then something touches your shoulder. You gasp.

There's a man standing behind you. He's covered in sweat, but seems full of hope. Your watch beeps that you have 30 minutes. He tells you that you are the first person he's seen in the past 47 hours. He shares that he woke up, saw a sign that said "You have 48 hours. Go."
He's been in here for two days.

This last hour is his hour of hope, while this has been your hour of confusion. You walk side by side silent for a few moments. He's excited to be with another person. This does not satisfy you as much as it satisfies him. and then you ask, "Have you touched the walls?"
He looks at you puzzled. You ask, him in a new way, 
"Are you allowed to touch the walls?"
"What do you mean? The bushes? Am I allowed to touch the bushes?" he asks.
"Yes, are you allowed to touch the bushes."
"Oh." He looks puzzled. "Well,  I haven't tried to...I've just been trying to get out and have kept running forward, but I guess I could?" he reaches out to pick a flower.
"STOP!" you scream. "WE ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO TOUCH THE BUSHES!" You're ready to hit him at this point.
"Why not?"
"I don't know, but I just know we are not suppose to".
"Okay, but why?"
"I told you, I don't know why"you say, "But we only have 25 minutes left and I'd rather just find the way out".

That hopeful look on his face is replaced with panic. In a moment his exhilaration of almost finishing his race and finding another person is replaced with the anxiety. You notice this shift. He begins to walk more cautiously, slowly, and with trepidation.

"So someone is watching us" he says with a worried look.

He had never considered someone may be watching him. He simply thought his goal was to finish this labyrinth in 48 hours. That the only thing he was dealing with was the strength of his legs and his breath. He says he needs to sit for a moment.

So here you are with this stranger. In a maze. With the only task to complete is to get out. But he sits. You give him 5 minutes of sitting in silence. And you take your time looking back up at the sky.

"Alright, get up".

You encourage him to pick up the pace again with you. You both begin to jog. Turning to the left, sharp turn to the right. The adrenaline picks up and you both are gaining  speed  weaving to the left, circling to the right. You catch him starring at the walls more and more. He's transfixed. You're still running,  nauseous from all the turns.  Your watches beep. You have 5 minutes left. You make a sharp and vigorous turn to the right and then you see it. Just a straight and narrow path that goes on for a quarter mile. YOU SEE THE END. You see where the bushes evaporate into a space big enough for two people to fit through side by side.

You both sprint. But he's faster than you. You see as he runs his head move back and forth between the light and the bushes that have now become so close that one stumble would push you into them. His head continues to go back and forth, back and forth. To the bushes, straight ahead, to the bushes, straight ahead.

Then he stops abruptly and you crash into his back and hit the ground hard. You open your eyes, dizzy from the fall; he reaches his arm out and
clenches his hand around the leaves of the wall.

Houseplant

                                  A houseplant is dying. Tell it why it needs to live.


Okay plant. YOU need to live so that I can prove to myself that I can take care of plants.
If I can take care of plants then I can prove to myself that I can take care of an animal!
And I need to be able to take care of an animal to prove to myself that I can have a boyfriend.
And I need to have a boyfriend so that I can get engaged.
And I need to get engaged in order to get married.
And I Need to get married so all my dreams can come true and I become a fairy princess.

So plant.  DON'T RUIN MY DREAMS!!!!!

Gal-entintines Day! For all you Single Gals- How to celebrate?!

One of my love languages is gift giving. I love to make little crafts and letters for people I love, or buy little trinkets for people because it reminds me of them. I'm truly always thinking of different friends and family members or when I'm dating someone my boyfriend.

Valentines day used to be one of my favorite holidays because I could make cute little romantic things for that boy, with a gushy card, and fluffy things and chocolate and boxes of love and oodles of kisses. HOWEVER now after being single for ...cough cough... years I LITERALLY die every valentines day and usually start crying at some point because I am truly a hopeless romantic and just feel like I want to punch a cat all day.

BUT THEN when I moved to NY in 2009 I started celebrating Galentines day with all my gals! We would all make delicious desserts, write eachother cute little V-day cards, take lots of pictures, wear red lipstick and make it a happy day. YAY!

Now, I'm back in CA, Gal-less, loveless, and hope-less(not REALLY...just when it comes to boyz).

SO I'M CELEBRATING VALENTINES DAY IN A LOVING HEALTHY WAY!!

1. Buy yourself cute little gifts like sassy new lingerie.  You will secretly know how cute you are in them and you can walk around your house in nothin but your skivvies like a boss!
or B. get some comfy sweats, and a moo-moo cause you're single and it does'nt matter what you look like around your house anyway...

2. Make a point to get to the gym or in a workout class!! Since you have all this free time might as well get that rockin body you lust after on instagram right?! SPLURGE on those dollars for your personal health!
or B. don't exercise, watch re-runs of sex and the city and find camaraderie among other woman who are also unhappy and single and disguising it in various ways.

3. Upgrade something in your life! Whether it be electronics, your sox with holes, new sneakers? I checked with my phone service and I can upgrade my phone so I will be giving myself a new phone this V-day...maybe even make it red or pink...
or B. Don't spend the money and don't upgrade anything and tell yourself you don't wanna waste money that will probably end up gong to random coffee's and groceries/gas anyway and you'll be just a tad bit unhappier because you are guilt tripping yourself into saying you don't deserve nice things because you don't have a "real job"...

4. Either bake yourself a delicious homemade chocolate cake or splurge and buy yourself some Godiva choc strawberries!Let yourself guiltlessly indulge
or B. get cheap oreos eat the whole package with milk and think FML after you pass out from the sugar coma.

5. serve at a childrens hospital or homeless shelter or anywhere that truly needs people to love them and spend the day giving back
or B. spend the day inside, isolated not really caring about anyone but yourself and surf online dating sites to try and make things work on your own...

 whoa whoa whoa. Okay this is actually making me feel worse. Coming up with the positive thing to do and the negative thing to do somehow aren't even and the negative ways out...so here in relaity how I will be celebrating V-day. 

~I Truly did buy myself Victoria's Secret underwear that are gift wrapped for me to open on Valentines Day.
~ there are amazing sweats by "spiritual gansgter" that say grateful I'm letting myself buy
~I'm upgrading my phone from a 4 to a 5s
~doing the 30 day squat challenge as well as upping my cardioand pilates each week to burn some extra fat and will get my BMI tested
~Cutting all sugar and dairy and trying to eat as vegan as possible in order to shrink the waist and feel
~Bake some gluten free/vegan/sugar free treats or go to whole foods and get some agave sweetened chocolate
~wear red lipstick, curl my hair, NAILS and flirt with literally everything I see
~pray, read, worship have some mellow me time
~go to dinner or movies with someone I love that will make me laugh all night long!
~and probably cry at some point... hopefully not in public ;)

I still think I need to do something that actually sounds fun and exciting...any ideas?

Above all I will trust that all things happen within God's perfect timing and for now I am truly happy to be exactly in the center of his hand and his vision for my life
.

The Rommance between Pilates and I

Why Pilates?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The choreography of Pilates strengthens your body in it's natural anatomical position.

By creating more flexibility and strength in your spine, you're actually adding more years to your life! When Joseph Pilates began training his internees in Germany, he had rigged the hospital bed-springs allowing the bedridden patients to exercise. Once influenza struck England in 1918 killing thousands of people, not a single one of Joseph's trainee's died. This, he claimed, testified the effectiveness of his exercise program; what we now consider Pilates.

The strength and flexibility created in Pilates allows you to participate in other sports and  exercise regimens you love with a lower risk of injury and a higher level of performance.  The breath and focus on the abdominal core (powerhouse) and shoulder girdle (secondary power house) will improve your posture and lean out your body. 

I personally have seen my waist shrink, back strengthen, and posture improve since I've started Pilates. AND I can easily hold a plank now for 2 minutes...I could hardly do 30 seconds when growing up!!!


If you'd like to do Classical Pilates at Home, Check out Pilatesology by clicking Here
You get a 10 day free trial, and then the classes are only $19 a month or $150 for the whole year and its SO worth it!!! I try to do their workout video at least twice a week!
I love this site so much and use it daily~ also I am a body in a few of the videos #famous: Jennifer Kries magic circle mat class, Lori Coleman Brown intermediate reformer, and Victora Torrie-Capman intermediate tower so check them out!


If you're in the Southern California Area and you'd like to train with me, Please comment below with your email address!

My Pilates BIO:


Jillene believes that people tend to excel in life when they’re living with a healthy mind, body, and spirit. The methodology of Pilates creates a vibrance in the mind and discipline in the body to empower and energize the human form in all areas of life.
Jillene recently relocated from NYC where she received her BA at The New School University for Dance and her Classical Pilates Certification at Core Pilates NYC. As a practitioner of dance, weightlifting and theatre she is constantly exploring new ways to rejuvenate and strengthen her body through exercise and clean eating. Due to her active lifestyle, Jillene craved a form of physical therapy to heal her body from the constant physical stress. Pilates became the vehicle for recovery and she became passionate about sharing, what Joseph Pilates originally called “Contrology”, with those around her.
Her clientele in NYC consisted of dancers and performers working on flexibility and strength, hardworking men and and women suffering from the back pain and imbalances of a desk job, as well as individuals interested in getting in overall better shape. Jillene is committed to maintaining her sense of wonder; for it is through curiosity that we discover our creativity, passion, and purpose.

The Bug Lady

Everyone has heard of "The Cat Lady". That sad single woman... who is opting out of a midlife crisis by buying a gaggle of kittens that somehow release crazy into the air as they increase in number.
Well I present to you..THE BUG LADY. Which is... just ya know... me.

Upon moving to LA I needed some couches. Luckily, mother dearest had an extra set that my friends had borrowed and were now storing in their garage. PERFECTO. Couches para mi for free. I gather my boys, round em all up and take two trucks to go pick up these beautious couches.

We get them out of the garage and an ENTIRE FAMILY of BLOODY COCKROACHES FLIP ON OUT OF THE COUCHES! khkjfbkskfjbskfbkfjbkf. THE most gross. Some scatter the floor where the men are able to squash them with their chunky metro sexual leather boots while others start climbing the sides of the house like friggin squirrels. I of course take the dainty stance of screaming and jumping up on very high things like tables and chairs.

Next, after killing all dem bugs, we drive the couches back to my house. Unload them.  And begin to drag them inside. I am a muscular woman yes. However, I find that picking up the many pillows would be more effective right now so I go gather those while the men are placing the couches in my living room. Guess who's with my pillows? Another F'ing cockroach friend. WHO FLYS?! WHAT THE WHAT?! Cockraoches fly? Is that a thing? It's not. There's no way that's a thing. It's a mutant cockroach. HAS TO BE, or else I'm leaving earth because we are just screwed.

Ok all the cockroaches dead, good. Now I've made new friends. Ants. Harmless litter guys but just annoying and EVERYWHERE. They crawl out of my labtop...which like-why are you in a hot piece of machinery? Why are you guys in there....that's not the kind of "bugs in my computer" I was edu-ma-cated on in Middle school? They appear in my clothes, my drawers and floors and at this point I have befriended them because it's just easier to make them my friends. #buglady
I KID YOU NOT ONE IS LITERALLY ON MY ARM RIGHT NOW? Like, how did u find my shoulder? you're an ant? and I JUST got out of the shower?!

Speaking of showers. Since I have what might quite possibly be THE tree of life in my backyard. What comes with fierce tree's? Spiders. But they decided they needed to upgrade their lives. They don't like my tree as much as my shower. Don't they know it's full of water? Haven't they heard that classic rhyme the itsy bitsy spider? Water wins EVERY TIME. Their lives are on a loop of climbing up a water spout, getting washed away, then doing it again and again and again.  Get out of my shower guys? Why? Just please. None of this. I want none of this. No bugs. No ants no spiders. No roaches. NONYA.
~Apparently mixing Eucalyptus oil and tee tree oil makes spiders leave? So I might try that. I've been doing the old chalk trick for my ants, did you know ants won't cross a line of chalk? I really don't want them as my friends also...but ya know...I don't like bugs. So the spiders are still just in my bathroom because I'm too scarred to kill them. Help? Please. Ghost-busters? Do you kill daddy long legs?

xoxo
Bug Lady.

Little Bird

First a poem:

Little bird with that awful lisp, how did it develop?
You sing, then stutter, then start over, we never get to hear the end of the song because you desire perfection.
But my little bird, you have a stutter, your little song  will sound different from others.
They only wish they had your perfect pitch, so continue your tune little bird.

I wrote this at a time when I was just beginning to realize my overly critical nature towards myself. I've known that I was very critical of others all my life but over time as I got older and matured I also became more understanding and forgiving, as we all do. However, the one thing in my life still black and white, right or wrong, fat or skinny, is myself.

Finding areas in life that are more grey than black and white allows for mystery, wonder and possibility. When the lines are rigid and an idea is already set of what should and shouldn't be happening, everything then becomes right or wrong...with no middle ground, no humility, no curiosity.

I desire to be free from my mind, to be more grateful and optimistic about each day. To be filled with joy hour by hour and inspire others daily. To be the kind of woman that gives life and fresh air with a simple conversation. To have a healing presence.

In four days I'm moving to LA, for a new chapter in my life. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going but I know what I want. I want to be surrounded by amazing men and woman who inspire me and grow me deeper in my faith and creativity. I want people who challenge me and push me to be a redeeming person in the world. I want to have joy and peace in every moment, and not have a single day go by without laughter. I want to learn how my family can love each other better, treat each other better, and enjoy each other deeply. I don't wanna settle I want to be launched into greatness, using my gifts in ways I could never think of. I want to live in a beautiful home that feels like a zen palace that I look forward to coming home to. I want a healthy relationship that's full of friendship, clarity, passion, and inspiration. I want to understand I am loved, love in return, and have grounding self confidence that cannot be shaken while being full of humility. I want to save money, travel, and feel full of energy and from a healthy lifestyle.
 I want to accept my flaws as beauty and say kind things to myself. I'm tired of being a marshmallow, I'm ready to get some wings and fly.


Bye bye marshmallow!

This is who I hope to be in a year. How can I do this without judgement?

Fight the Flu Gangnam Style...

So after having a stomach bug these past 4 days, I think I am quite knowledgeable on how to fight this thing like a friggin G6. Meaning for the most part, I took care of myself~ and got a lil help from a friend. SO YOU CAN TOO! Get ready for some tips and what to expect when you're a grossy GO.

DAY 1. You WILL just be pooping and throwing up all day- stop resisting and wishing it would not happen each time you get that "feeling" and just except it. You're body is getting that bug out~ let it do it's thang yo!
So have a bucket (or mini trashcan), a towel, you're sassy hair up, and long sleeves on to wipe your mouth (i know gross but c'mon lez be real- your disgusting right now anyway).  Also have an icepack and warm blanket near by since u will be going back and forth between hot and cold all the live long day :) Cheers!
Once you've successfully thrown up everything in your lil girly tummy- you're probably gunna keep throwing up SORRY NOT SORRY it's just truth. To avoid dry heaving, have some lil sips of Zero Vitamin Water (I'm not down with pouring sugar in my body) or coconut water, or pedialite (though i think the ingredients in Pedialite are Bull Shit! But it's got electrolytes, your sick okay I get it.) Maybe even have sips of hot camomile tea or ginger tea that'll help calm your tummy a little bit.

After you've been settled down for at least five hours, start having some more generous sips of liquids to get hydrated. It's night time- if youre an independent woman like myself and all shriveled up- get online to some grocery delivery service and order some chicken(less) noodle soup, or organic chicken brother or vegetable broth some saltines and let that biz come to your door. 
-Now if you're ME you're too weak now to open all this stuff so you have to regretfully call a friend and ask for help because you can't open the caps or stand up long enough to make the soup. This is OK. You are still a fierce independent woman...you just also have friends who love you. Put down your pride and let them pick up the slack :) Have the tiniest lil bit of soup and saltines throughout the night, pretend you're 3 years old and that's all you can allow you're tiny belly at a time. 
Lastly for day 1, watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. While you're a sloppy sloopy mess, she'll remind you what class looks like. Givesmehope.com while I suffer...

DAY 2: IF you're not repeating Day 1 and have stopped throwing up. Wake up, have some more liquid and finish watching Breakfast and Tiffany's cause chances are you fell asleep since you were sick as a dog. A sickly dawg. But now, there's some Shit to do girl! I know you're weak, but werk it out. step by step, slow as u need to go...but you just got to do this. Make yourself some sweet tea: Earl Grey, soy milk, a lil honey or agave. Let the caffeine give u that lil kick of energy you need to get through this hour of stuff.  Now IMPORTANT. Strip Er'ryThang! Your bed, your clothes, towels, pillow cases,  just anything you've touched put it in your laundry bag. Clean out that gross bucket if you haven't already. Then clean the area. Pick up the room if it was messy before you got sick. Clean the floors, vacume, and get your place sterile. If you can get a friend to help- do because how lovely would that be? But if they're not around you know GET TO STEPPIN'. Lastly, i know you feel like there's no more energy left. BUT hop in the shower and clean yourself thoroughly. Put on clean jamies, have some more fluids and... now take a nap cause you did some hard work girl!
Wake up feeling like a princess...who's sickly and crippled looking and probably scrawny from a day of throwing up, BUT STILL A SHINY PRINCESS! Have some more water, have a lil soup and now you can actually enjoy a tv show. I say tv show because you will probably still wanna nap every 45 minutes or so and you don't need the stress of thinking about watching the whole film! 

Try to talk to people. On the phone, or have a friend stop by. Having to act like you're more well than you are will actually help you feel and get better.  Just don't overdo yourself. Oh yeah, and LAUGH! It helps! Watch Ellen, Chelsea lately, or Jimmy Fallon live- just something you know is guaranteed to make you chuckle at some point.  I like to end DAY2 with Bridesmaids because if you don't laugh during that film then you have a horrible sense of humor and I'm probably not your close friend KIDDING! but really...it's funny. so that's my rec. 

DAY 3: By now you should be somewhat a human being again and can stand to watch some full length movies. I started with Julie and Julia, then had some lunch. Then I went for a short walk outside to remember what daylight  looks like since I hadn't seen planet earth in 48 hours. Then went back home because that was about all the energy I had, put in To Rome With Love the Woody Allen film (super cute) and made dinner. Had a consultation with a client of mine about health and fitness and then ended the day with The Proposal.  By Sunday ~ Day 4 I was still a little weak, you may be too but I did normal things like went to the gym, went to church, hung with friends, and went to a spaghetti night with some wine and cheese And i did not die :). 

Well there, That's how you get through this sassy bug with class, grace and most importantly GanGnam Style!

Connie (True Story from Last Winter in MB CA)

Connie

[young girl runs towards the beach. 

There are seagulls pigeons and ravens. It's 
7am. Very calm; a few people are out 

walking on the strand. Girl jumps onto a 

bench overlooking the crashing waves on the 
strand, so joyful listening to music. It's cold.

She's in a light sweater while 
people around her are all bundled up.
A woman with two dogs watches the beach with her.]

Girl: (moves headphones) I'm sorry what?

Connie: Do u see what I see?

Girl; The most beautiful sight I've seen in a While?

Connie: They're out here every morning getting warm from the sun. 

Where are you from?

Girl: NYC
Connie: Yes well look up when they fly, it's a gift. There flying for you.

Presents of silver streaming across the sky for you. 

And if you look, you can see the 
seagulls and pigeons, ravens and pelicans all sitting together. 

They've come together. I'm going through a terrible divorce (starts crying) 

Girl: What happened?

Connie: (she sits down and pauses throughout 
her speech looking at the beach as if she's looking for someone)

My husband and I went to the beach up north for a vacation. It's beautiful.

You can see the sun rise and set all from one view. After about 7 days 

he said he needed some alone time. Which was fine, I thought nothing of it.

I just did my walks and strolls around town. On the 12th day he told me 

there was nothing anymore. He didn't love me. After 27 years. It was gone. 

Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive and arrogant. 

He rides by every morning- what time is it- he's late. 

Girl: Yeah riding is the best, I wish my bike was here so I didnt have to 

run. 

Connie: Well I love running. I can run 11 miles- I can teach you. 

I never sit. Only when im sleeping. After I finish what I was saying I'll 

teach you, where was I?

Girl: He bikes

Connie: He doesn't  run. He rides  every morning on his bike with his 

hands behind his back in perfect balance. But not for the past three times.

I've tripped him. That's why I'm here waiting for him to pass. 

He's a bad man. I guess you could say I'm the good witch. 

I'm a saint here to stop bad people and he's a bad one. 

That happened January 9th and 3 months later I decided to get my 
act together. [it's November and she's sitting] I wake up at 12 am 

and pray for everyone in the world. Then I go back to bed and wake up 

at 4:08. You know in between 4 and 5 to start my day. 

Have some coffee and my peace pipe. I dont 
smoke. I keep it in the fridge. And I call my man Jesse. 

He also gets rid of bad people. And I kicked him out. After 3 months. 

I told him to get out of our bed and leave and that he has 5 days. 

He took everything. Every single thing in the house. 

He's been through two divorces has three children who I supported and 
bought houses for and all he does is take. You can tell if people 

are takers if they don't look you in the eyes when they talk.
I then had Jan move in with me to help pay the rent. She and he daughter. 

But when she moved in there was this kid. Blonde hair, 15 years old. Pecks and abs 

with a white towel around his waiste. You know he thinks his shit doesn't stink. 
I could just tell he was bad news. Then after a while she couldn't pay rent. I 
lent it to her.  Then I went away for a few days- they knew I was leaving.  I 
come home and everyone scurries to their rooms. I go in the living room and my 
animals are a disaster. I have 2 parakeets. A 20lb pig named Jill. A horse. A 
goat. A rabbit and my cat Grace . The cat I didn't get though, she came to me. My 
rabbit died and as I was  burying her, a black cat ran into my legs, sat down and 
looked at me, and I said, "your amazing". Amazing grace how sweet the sound. I'm a 
saint, I need to get the bad out, that's why I'm here. So there was feces all 
over the floor, my animals all looked scrawny and the boy just looked at me and said 
"finally back huh"? And I could tell something bad was happening. He was in my 
room. When they left I called Jesse again cause I knew these were bad people and 
I needed to get them out. I went in my room and for some reason lifted my floor 
rug and there were little holes burned all on the bottom.

Girl: what?

Connie: Discreet holes all over. My lighter kept going missing. And you know he 
comes in my room at night? I know because my dogs growl and his  cologne is so 
strong.  He just walks around looking for things. But I hide my things good. He 
will never find my things in the dark at night. I went in his room and there on 
his chair was my dogs spray I haven't seen in years, my lighters, a hammer and a 
saw. And out side my door he had sawed his skateboard in half and wrote RIP on 
it. He left a tomb stone outside my door.
(phone rings)
I'm NOT gunna answer it.

Girl: Who is it? Should you?

Connie: It's my adopted sister Babbet. She's in the hospital with my dog. He's 
been projectile vomiting since 10pm last night.

Girl: we'll then maybe u should answer.

Connie: Maybe you're right. Hello? Babbet tell me everything. (She puts the 
phone on speaker) hello? Hello? (she hangs up the phone)
- My dogs dead. She killed him. She killed him. He died of bloat. She thinks she 
knows everything. She tried to put him on this new diet like she knows 
everything about nutrition. She killed him so she can deal with it. She almost 
killed her mother. 

Girl: on purpose?

Connie: I went to her house and found her Mother in bed wheezing. I told her 
mother we need to go to the hospital. After much struggle I got her there. I put 
her in a wheel chair and as the male nurse was taking his time I told him- 
she's Gunna go in cardiac arrest. They hooked her up and she had no more oxygen 
left. They didn't even know how she was still living. It was a miracle. She said 
thank you for saving my moms life, then she killed my dog. 

Girl:  Sounds like u have a real gift on your hands. Connie I'm sorry but I'm so 
cold I have to start moving.

Connie: Well here let's teach you to run. (they get up and begin to speed walk) 
First your legs are like wheels, they move from your hips and your knees- never 
your feet. Feel that?

Girl: ya

Connie: Relax your arms and let your hands slightly tap your hips. Keep your 
hands as if they're holding feathers or potato chips. Keep your chest lifted and 
breathe normally. Never look down, always keep your eyes out looking for others so 
theres no accidents. Now feel like your a cat.

Girl: So run toe to heel?

Connie: No I said be like a cat. Be like a cat running in a field. Have you seen 
a cat run? They don't touch the ground. You can talk for hours and run forever 
that way.

Girl: I believe that

Connie:  Now ready to go? 

Girl: yeah( she starts Running and her voice trails off behind her towards the woman) 

it was lovely meeting you Connie!...

Connie: I'll see you soon.

The Existence of Animals...a Short Story

Her alarm goes off at 7a.m. as it does every morning. There’s no reason, no where she needs to be. She simply decided that being a morning person means that you’re a little bit better than everyone else. You have more hours to your day, you get to mingle with the other morning people that sleeper-inners never get to see, and you’re able to accomplish tasks before people are even alive yet. She decided being a morning person was a higher ranking of humanity, a higher species in the animal kingdom. People pretend to have money by shopping at designer thrift stores, she pretends to be a morning person by having a daily alarm.
    She sits up on her air mattress, that’s significantly deflated, and stumbles across it. Each step a meticulous balancing act to not fall back into it’s abyss.  It’s size takes up most of her room, she should have bought a single- not a queen, but who’s she kidding, she didn’t even buy it. It was given to her by her parents as a house warming gift. Alarm off. Wash face. Brush teeth. Create some sort of hair style that’s polished just enough to disguise her lack of showering. She lifts her mascara brush into the air like a graceful fairy and swoops and sways her eyelashes till her eyes are the center of attention. She grabs her keys and folds her yoga mat into a perfect square instead of rolled up as it traditionally is by yoga goers. and ventures outside.
    Each morning she walks by the same newsstand where she has a five minute chat with Earl, the newsstand guy. Five minutes is just enough time to slip a newspaper under her arm discreetly under the yoga mat without Earl noticing. She begins the small talk close enough to the newsstand so that he can only stare into what he calls her root-beer eyes. Her body is hidden by the various stacks of candy, gum, and of course newspapers. She begins with the tips of her fingers inching the paper from it’s stack to her left leg. She holds the newspaper to her left thigh with her left hand, then raises her right arm so her elbow can rest on top of the newsstand with her hand under her chin as if it were a natural gesture within the conversation. Then she uses her left hand to inch the paper up her side body. Right when she’s about to drop it, she acts as if she’s adjusting her yoga mat under her arm and slips the paper into position.  She’s been doing this for six months.
     She doesn’t steal traditionally, only her morning paper. The thrill of almost getting caught is her coffee in the morning, an alarming rush to her system she has now grown addicted to. She doesn’t even practice yoga. Yet, each morning she and Earl discuss the workout she’s about to embark on. This is where humans differ from animals. They can lie, cheat, steal. She ends the conversation as she always does saying she better hurry up if she’s going to make it for the opening prayer and bids him well. Feeling the endorphins from her newspaper securely under her arm propels her to her morning ritual, the river park bench.
    She walks the fifteen minutes all the way west to her beloved bench where she can watch the runners, dog walkers, bikers, and roller-bladers wiz by. She reads her free paper, people watches, and reflects on the previous day. Only today her bench wasn’t free. Her bench was always free. But a Brazilian woman and her dog had occupied it. Her morning routine was broken. She hated confrontation, but she hated spontaneity more. The idea of talking to a stranger with a K-9 was too out of the ordinary before 10 o’clock am. The morning time was hers, sacred, undisturbed, unchanging. And now this Brazilian woman had the audacity to change that? Bitch. Within minutes she began to grow deep disdain for this woman who had no name.
    Her brain began to rattle through various things she could say to her that might remove her from the bench. That bench is mine...unreasonable.  I heard someone calling you...don’t know her name. There are no dogs allowed here...people are walking dogs before her. I will stab you if you don’t move! Perfect. That’s what she would say. She would sneak behind this woman so close to her ear, nearly frightening her half to death. Then as she’s laughing over the mistake of being startled by a beautiful young wide-eyed girl she would whisper, I’ll stab you if you don’t move off this bench, now.
    If she can steal papers daily, she could surely threaten an elderly woman to move off her sacred bench. She tip-toes over to the woman, leans behind her to her ear and whispers. The dog begins to bark, the woman doesn't hear her. She’s blind and deaf. This K-9 is her watch dog. Fuck this woman. Fuck her! She mustered up the courage to startle someone incapable of drinking in her threats. But this woman must leave. Time for plan B.

Ode to Shel Silverstein

Tickle me who? Tickle me not?
That’s what I am, I’m a tickle me twat.
I sneak to your bed, and go for kiss.
You shut your eyes, expecting pure bliss,
then I tick and I pick and I tickle your bot
since I’m  tiny and teasing, tickle me pickle me, groping and squeezing, fickle me lickle me, moist and unceasing, rickle me kickle me, squirmy and wormy and as soft as a Burmy, nickle me sickle tickle me twat.

Deer Miss Tickle Me Twat,
My mom sed that you wer atchually bed bugs, so we’re gettin a xsterminater.
Love George.

Dear George,
Your mom’s wrong.
-TT

Sanity over Vanity.

I received an email from a mentor of mine from when I lived in Hollywood about weight release. She asked me how I was doing and so many friends have been asking me what's up with my weight release? Ill of course give specific workout and food diaries if that what people are interested in... but this is basically what happened...

**The Shift is a program created by RITA Black that teaches you about health and nutrition as it pertains to your own individual needs. I did this back in 2007. I was really hard core and meticulous, lost 30 lbs and gained it all back once i hit my "goal weight". Not because her program doesn't work but because i was a neurotic crazy person who had myself on such a tight leash it wasn't sustainable for having any kind of social life**

My Email Response to "MENTOR":
In terms of Shifting life has been really good. Just like how your Shift is always talking about finding what works for ourselves,  I've taken that to the point where I've truly found my own way of living that = sanity over vanity. My first go at The Shift  taught me what calories are, how many calories different foods are, what my own caloric needs are and weighing food to get visual ideas of what that looks like which was very helpful for my start. Weighing myself regularly, writing down my food etc etc were all great tools to learn from at first. However, slowly I learned for my peace of mind it wasn't something sustainable. Counting and calculating didn't give me peace but rather made me neurotic.  I soon began to see that I was defining beauty and self worth by the number on a scale and staying within my calorie limits for the day. If I went over or was under my calories or ideal weight my entire day would be ruined. I didn't want food or weight to control my mind that deeply.

This summer I got to the point where I realized I had the "technique" down. I understood nutrition, the science, what it feels like to be on track physically, what it feels like to be full, and to tame my eye so it didn't have a bigger stomach than my body. With that information I wrote mean nasty things all over my scale with a friend. Smashed it with a hammer and threw it away. I stopped writing down my food and I stopped counting calories. I simply wanted to trust that by now, five years later, I have a skill(information) that's in me and I don't need to be so precise in my calculations. Turns out all I needed was that little bit of faith and freedom to propel me forward. It was like I had been using training wheels and now I'm on a big girl bike. I gave myself nutrition goals on eating healthier, and workout goals to build my strength and endurance. I began measuring my weight with mirrors, my clothes, my health, and energy. Now it's the end of the summer-  my friends have been complimenting me on how great I look. Everyone keeps asking, "Did you loose a lot of weight? You look amazing!" I feel that I've been making healthy decisions daily and staying away from all the gak foods. But I allow myself to indulge weekly or sometimes daily if that's where I'm at. I don't restrict myself but rather pace myself. I feel great in my clothes, and have now built myself up to running 8 miles twice a week and 6 miles on my casual days! I try to breathe and pray as much as I can each day to stay connected to myself and God. I Stop before I'm full, drink plenty of water and always take the "active way" in life. I've never felt more confident in my body and loved myself more and yet I have no idea how much I weigh or how many calories I consume in a day.

The only thing I keep track of is my exercise. I bought a digifit that records my heartbeats while I'm working out so i can monitor how long, how many calories, and when I'm at my max heartbeats/minute and when I'm in the "fat burning zone" so I can make sure my workouts don't plateau. For me this is what works and what keeps me sane. Lot's of exercise, water, sleep, protein and veggies AND DESERT! Finding my beauty in something other than the scale has become a priority ( like I'm really into my hair and nails these days and they can't change weight...). For some people the scale works. For me it has too many years of bad habits and memories that it becomes a trigger for me. If the number is low I celebrate and eat. If the number is high I get depressed and eat. Never did the scale = something of consistency. So I've divorced it. And I couldn't be happier.

*side note, did i ever NEED to loose weight? Who knows. I'm a crazy performance artist as well as a dancer who has grown up in front of a mirror her whole life and twitching if i could pinch an inch anywhere on my body.When that obviously changed after high school ( cause i dunno-we grow up?) I thought I was obese, now could a size 4 ever really be obese? It's all mental people and I acknowledge Im crazy...*

In short, I feel better and i think that's showing itself outwardly. I actually don't hate myself these days and walk around feeling fat and shameful. So who knows... in reality maybe the only weight I've lost was the negative thoughts that were in my brain and somehow thats what people are seeing? I was carrying a huge load of negative thought after all...I was obese with negativity and self-loathing. A fat head. Yeup fatty thoughts head....

Ya'll need some wedding Guest tips- from a wedding planner

Okay people. Since I've been a wedding planner's assistant for a while now and have seen a plethora of weddings, I feel the need to give some NEEDED tips when attending a wedding. I thought most people knew this stuff but apparently ya don't...so here goes- drink it up!

(these are not in an order of importance...they're all important)

1. Wear a slip girls. I don't care if you're at the gym for 4 hours everyday, wearing a skin tight dress that's clingy isn't flattering on ANYONE, and seeing your underwear line, IS NOT CUTE.
2. If your bra is showing in the back, pick a new bra- it looks tacky and your tag is usually sticking out. If it's not, it will be by the end of all the dancing. Change the bra- or don't wear one...
3. Yes bring flats, totally okay after you've been dancing all night. We've even done weddings where the bride has a basket of sandals for all the girls to put on.  But don't WEAR flats there. They never look dressy enough at a wedding, EVER. I mean you're sitting most of the night anyway, so ya rock out the heels!
4. The dress you wear, make sure you can dance in it and sit without giving a "show" to everyone there. You know those 2 things will be happening so why not test them out before hand?
5.  When choosing a dress, always go classic and simple. You want to show that you care, not that you want attention. Hate to break it to ya, but it's not about you today, no matter what you think of the bride.  Go for clean lines and classic looks versus trendy. Something flirty that shows your figure but not flaunting it. Chances are there's a lot of people here that don't know you. So that's a lot of first impressions you're going to make. If it might look casual don't wear it. Black will always dress up your look.
6. Do your hair! Yes I'm all about the all-natural look, and the beachy grungy look, but this isn't the occasion. Whether it's blown out, straightened or curled, look manicured. The first place people usually look at another person before they judge them, is their hair.  I mean how many weddings do you go to? Show some respect to the bride and all the money she spent on this party for you to be apart of, and do your friggin hair.
7. Always bring a card for the couple. Even if it has a simple message and no cash, though wedding gifts are must. Maybe write in the card your favorite memory of the two of them?
8. Yes to jewelry.  Beautiful  jewelry with a classic Audrey dress cannot be beaten. This isn't a club, it's a place to show up, practice those manners you hide in your drawer and never bring out, and be a lady. So I'm not talkin' bling, I'm talkin elegant.
9. Meet new people. Why stick with your date the whole time when you're in a room of people that you know you have something in common with: How do you know the bride and groom? Whats your favorite memory of them? Stay away from their own relationship status, weddings can be very emotional/sensitive for people and you don't wanna get on a sore spot, even if the event is about finding love.
10. Pace your drinks! Don't get past tipsy till after dinner. Yes there's usually a cocktail hour  in between the ceremony and the reception but this is used for flipping the room, not for you to get belligerent.  Yes it's free...but practice some self-control people.
11. FUCK PATTERNS! Just don't do it. There are very few people that can rock a pattern dress, it's probably not you, so don't. Plus patterns are screaming attention. Solids will be more appropriate and more flattering.
12. leave your money and wallet at home, and your self phone in your dates pocket or a small clutch you can keep with you while your dancing. Weddings=lost purses. It happens all the time. Set yourself up for success.
13. light perfume and deodorant. You are in very close quarters during the ceremony, be kind and dab on the scent, don't pour.
14. No skirts+tops unless you're over 50...done.
15. Use the bathroom before the ceremony. I promise you're not allowed to get up, even if you're going to shit your pants.
16. Try a shawl over a jacket or sweater if you're worried about your arms or the cold. They're elegant and how many times do you get to sport a shawl?
17. If you're single, wear no rings at all. Hey it's a wedding right? Great place to mingle! Don't confuse them by wearing 80 trendy rings, or a beautiful diamond on your RIGHT hand. Just have nail polish be your rings for the night...love is in the air after all right? Take a chance! don't live with "I should've..."(I totally did that the other night with this cutie guy working at the wedding venue- but I might get extreme and like get his number anyway...OWE OWE)

These are not laws....just advice. I"m sure there are 80 other tips i could give but after the wedding I was doing last night... these were at the fore front of my mind ;)

Current Fav. Celeb- 90210

Okay- let's get real here...90210. Most people look at it thinking "guilty pleasure" but every time I watch it I think UM REAL LIFE?! It's totally how I feel growing up in Manhattan Beach was. I mean, super different but not THAT different.

My favorite girl on the show is the character Annie played by Shenae Grimes, a Canadian girl who is one month and 12 days younger than I am. I am obsessed with her style on and off the show. She's like a mini Rachel Bilson when it comes to chic and fashion relevant. She has the cutest little figure, and rocks wedges harder than anyone I know.

I must confess, she and Rachel Bilson were the ones who inspired me to go ombre. I mean it's summer time? Aren't you supposed to be wearing things a little too short for comfort, wear hardly any makeup because you've got that great tan as foundation, and you get to dye your hair much blonder than necessary? That's what summer means to me... Oh yeah and adventure, but this isn't about that, this is about my current fashion icon Shanae Grimes (though her name is haneous. I'd rename myself if I were her but whatever).  I think she's gravely under-rated and needs far more recognition and attention for being so lovely. Plus her fit little body, she's like a brunette SJP.

Basically, when I'm choosing between a cup of fruit or icecream, or whether or not to go for a run or sit on facebook, I"m thinking of her cutie patooti for some fitspiration and fashion drive.

Adventures in Tulsa- Final Day

 Sunday morning we wake up at L's friends house about 10:30am. The plan was to be at our spot by 8am but on the way home last night I insisted that was a haneous idea and I would definitely kill someone if I had to get up that early. We get in gear and hop in the car. I agreed to be the DD again. I actually like being the DD because I really don't like being drunk and I'm such a light weight that even if I drink half of what my friends drink I get smashed.

We jam out to 90's music the whole way up as well as a little bit of Say Anything. The scenery was beautiful and I hardly noticed the 2 hour drive at all. We arrived to our stop to go floatin'. Beers in hand, water shoes on, and nothing but our bathing suits. We go to pay for our raft and this cute guy with this scruffy beard helped us out. He was super sarcastic and I couldn't help but flirt with the guy...I mean really it should be a crime to not engage with the opposite sex if they're flirting with you and as single as I am... (Not ashamed at all. Actually my favorite quote from 90210 yesterday was "Do you wanna be a strong woman? Or just the girl who got the guy?"... All growing up I was "the girl who got the guy". I've been LOVING my independence and freedom while in college!)

Anyway we all board this gross hot muggy school bus. The other people on the bus are very...well... Oklahoma. They're talking about marshmallow baseball and a few of them don't have teeth in places that should have teeth. My friends start drinking beer already as we drive up the mountain to eventually float back down to our cars. Once we get in our raft we start floating down. The water was so shallow though that many a time we had to get out and walk or use our oars but mostly J would get out and pull us.

There were tons and tons of people on the river, smashed out of their minds. It was like being at a frat party taking place on a river! (Well I've never been to one, but I've seen movies of them. Yes I know, I live in a whole blah blah blah). There were the "Asians" as J named them, a group of many mixes of people yes mostly asian, who had 5 rafts and SO much alcohol. They said J could be an honorary asians by taking 13 shots. crazy. They had buckets of margaritas with nozzles that they would pour into people's mouths.

Then there were the "That's awesome" guys. Where everything we said  was "awesome". Ugh I need to delete that word form my vocabulary. Then as L and M proceeded to get drunker they found some guys. M got "River Married" to one guy while L convinced all the other guys that she was British. She put on an accent that was somewhere in between Cockney, British, with some Irish vocal tones and of course slipped into her southern California accent constantly but everyone was too drunk to notice. Eventually it's me sitting in the middle of the boat while M is making out with her river husband and L is making out with J and I'm sober as Santa and wanting to kill myself. Seriously...a 5th wheel?! When is this thing over?!?!? Little did I know just how far it was from being over...
This old woman who either lost 100 pounds in a week or had a terrible lipo-suction job starts talking to M. She's in a two piece and it's terrifying. Really nice woman- trashed as hell- but her skin was sagging SO FAR DOWN she had to tuck it into her bathing suite. It seems M is trying to convince this woman she's a lesbian when she begins walking away from the boat doing her own thing. L is off somewhere on the river while J and I are in the boat. Eventually L comes back and passes the F out on the boat. We can't find M.

We stop the raft on an edge for about 15 minutes but none of us see her. So we decide to proceed to the end and meet her at the bottom. It's now been hours since we've seen M. We get to the end area and turn in our rafts and life jackets. It's 6:30pm...we started at 12:30. The group before us told L that they pulled a dead girl out of the river the other week. Now L is freaking out hoping M ins't so smahed she passed out and is floating down the river somewhere.

I point out this hottie girl we passed multiple times down the river. While I was pointing her out to L and M  I think gosh everyone on that raft is super hot, who is that floppy girl hanging on the bottom of the boat floating around? That's so embarrassing...she must be super drunk swinging around the the river like that...wait- M?!? We all start yelling her name--- but she is shit-faced! Finally the other (rather sober) hotties point us out to her. When she notices she flops into the water, bathing suite falling off, tits everywhere, and we have to drag her out of the water. She's yelling F.U. every other second. Then slurs, "don't touch me I'm fine". Immediately after this thought of hers she dives head first into the gravel, legs still straight on the floor as if she's some weird bird digging for worms. She stands back up, still yelling she's fine and F us and my sassy mouth blurts, "um...M you've got some dirt. On your face."

I couldn't handle it. Everyone is wasted...I barely know this girl and she's such a shit show and M and J are also drunk. Gimmie a person in crisis, or being bullied, or even just mad over something petty and annoying I'm totally there for them- but i have no tolerance for drunk people, I guess it's my alkalies heel.  As this is happening, Beard from earlier that day came to talk to me. We got to flirt and chat some more, there's the light in the darkness. He probably wouldn't have come up to me if I backing away from my friends. We finally get M in the car as she's sobbing about needing her River Husband. She wants to stay at the river. As we're driving she breaks out of the car and is trying to beat L. L is holding her with all her might, much more sober now, though still drunk as hell, and once they stumble out of the car, I"m so ready to hit someone that I drive away with J to a gas station to cool down. I go to grab something delicious when I remember that lady and grab a V8 instead. I'm such a bitch. oops. sorry bout' it.


L get's M back in the car. J and I wanna drug her, or hit her so she passes out but L isn't down (obvi- that was a terrible idea and simply our emotions speaking). L and M pass out while J and I listen to some chill acoustic music as the sun begins to set. After about an hour we pass a corn field. L and I need to go run in it. I pull over. And we sprint straight into the corn running faster and faster. The wind brushing my hair, the sun setting in the background and the stalks brushing my hands. I go back and forth between thinking of all the scary movies I've ever seen that trigger dead little girls popping out at me and living in the moment which was simply thrilling and beautiful. I recommend everyone in their life time run through a con field. It's exhilarating!

We drop off M. And go to a famous diner off route 66 for some french fries. We recap the whole day and are laughing hysterically, so over tired, and exhausted we can't make real sentences or act like real people. We are utterly delirious.  I haven't laughed that hard in a while. We go home- pass out and then I leave in the wee hours of the morning. Next Stop- Shelter Island, NY!!